Taking a Stand

A few days ago I had the most unbelievable conversation with one of my sisters. I mean, truly unbelievable. I walked away dumbfounded and wondering if what I had just experienced had really happened.

Since my last posting, I have only kept in touch with two of my eldest sisters. They are both in their early 60's. Unfortunately, I have not even kept in touch with my mother, not after our last converstation early last month (more on this in a later post). After that posting I decided to stick to my conviction of just staying away from certain members of my family for my own spiritual and emotional well being. It wasn't as difficult nor as painful as I had thought it might be. One of my sisters, two years younger than I am, is my hairdresser, and unfortanately she is also one of the ones I need to keep my distance from, but I had an appointment with her this past Saturday. I had decided to keep going to her for my hair, but only for that. I had also decided to just talk to her about what was going on in my life but not mention anything about the family---unless she brought it up. Well, she did--she asked if I was going to attend a birthday party for one of my nieces who just turned 25. I had received an invitation in the mail about a week prior. The party was going to be held at this particular sister's house. I'll just use her first initial "A". So "A" asked me if I was going and I simply said no, in a manner that made it sound like it was nothing of importance. She said as she moved her head slightly from side to side, "You're missing out." I said on what? She said, "On a lot." Like what I said. "On family", she said as she stress the importance of family. I said, "Oh, please, family? What family?" From there started the most strange conversation I have ever had with her. I began by stating that I had not wanted to bring up the subject but since she had brought it up, I had some things to say. I began by pointing out the instances in which I had not been invited to family get-togethers, one of which had been by her. She immediately said she had not intended not to invite me and she insisted her intention had not been to exclude me. After several back and forth statements by the two of us, each trying to make our points, I gave her the benefit of the doubt only because it was proving to get pointless to continue on that one incident. We went from one small part of the whole issue to another. But it was so weird how everything I said, she seemed to totally misunderstand or take the wrong way. For instance when I stated that I needed to especially stay away from "M" (you might remember "M" from my last post), she said that in that case when would the two of us ever get together and talk--in other words, to make peace. I very simply told her that I had no desire to talk with "M" and she said this.......oh, this is strange.........she said,"Oh, so you're going to hate her from now on then?" My mouth just about hung all the way down to my feet! It is such a strange feeling inside my whole body when someone does this to me, and believe me this has happened my whole life with my family (and maybe a very few times with individuals outside of my family--and you had better believe I no longer associate with those individuals!) It feels like a phenomona when a statment or sentiment I express is totally misconstude like that. I could feel my eyes widen in such surprise as I said to her,

Me: Who is saying anything about hating her??!!

A: So you don't hate her?!

Me: No, I don't hate her!!

A: So you love her then?

Me: Yes, of course I love her, she's my sister!!

A: How can you love her when you want nothing to do with her?!! That's not possible!!

Me (again with a look and tone of voice of exasperation) : What??!! Of course it's possible!! I love her as my sister just like I love you, but I can no longer be a part of all those games and craziness. It's very possible to say, Hey, I love you, but I can not be around you because of your behavior.

A: Part of what?

Me: (wondering why I have to repeat myself) The games. You know very well that I can not talk to her, you know she is not able to reason and carry on a normal conversation.

A: Well, we're still family, you know?

Me: I know we're family, so what does that mean to you?

A: That we're blood and who's there when you really need someone? Family!!

Me: ( with a slighty chuckle): Oh no, that's not true. ( I meant in our family)

A: Yes, only family is there for you in times of trouble.

Me: A, where'm I living right now?

A: (just looking at me but not answering)

Me: Where am I livig right now?

Me: Have you ever offered me a place to live? (You can say I am basically homeless right now, but more about that in a another post. It has to do with the housing situation all over the country)

A: Oh, you know I can't do that? (with a look and a tone of voice suggesting I should understand and not need any explaining)

Me: Why not?

A: Because of L (her husband), the two of you would kill each other!!

Me: That's not the point, the point is you have never even offered me any help.

A: I can't, and you know that!

Me: You know--and even if you did ask I would not agree, for the same reason you just stated--but as "family" you have never asked. What A & R (the two wonderful friends who have opened up their home to me by taking me in as a roommate) are doing and all they have done for me, not you nor anyone else in the family would do or has done for me.

The conversation continued along the same lines. And each time I said anything she would completely change my meaning. When I said that had I been her, when she threw the get-together I would have said to both parties who were having issues that I understood they were having issues, but that they were both invited to my house and which ever one did not want to come because they did not want to see the other, than that was up to each individual.

Her response was: Oh, I couldn't do that, I couldn't say that.......to you or to her!!!

Me: Why not?

A: Because, that's rude!

Me: What??!!! What is so rude about acknowledging an issue between two family members?

A: I can't say to you guys, "I don't care if you guys are mad at each other, but I'm inviting you both to my party.

Me: (once again just totally flabbergasted!) A, that's not what I said! I didn't say for you to say it that way! (and again I repeated what I would have said)

Further in the conversation, I mentioned that my son, Eric, had agreed with me when I told him how I would have handled the invitation. He agreed and said, that's the adult thing to do.

Her response: (in an offended tone of voice) Oh, I guess you're the only adult then. I guess the rest of us are not adults. You'r the only adult in the family!!

Me: (in a voice I would use to talk to a child) Oh, A, you see how you are changing things and how you're taking things. That's not what Eric nor I said.

A: Well, that's what you said. You just said that Eric said we're not au...., that he said that's what an adult would do, so I guess that means we're not adults, only you.

Me: No, you're not understanding. That's not what he said.

So it went on like this the whole time she was doing my hair. Luckily, we were the only ones in the shop at the time. When she finally finished. I paid her and she scheduled my next appointment for 3 weeks. We hugged good-bye and both agreed to disagree, but it was a bit ackward. One thing I will say in her favor was that she did apologize if she had hurt my feelings but that she had not done it intentionally. She said she did call everyone almost at the last minute and that she had planned on inviting me the whole time.

When I walked away I was feeling so weird, like I had been in a Twilight Zone somewhere, I could not believe how she had completely misunderstood everything I said. I was feeling like.....did that just really happen? I drove feeling this way the whole drive back home. Then at home I slowly started to realize that I felt so light, so clear, so good. I suddenly realized too that all that time my voice never once wavered nor rose, my breathing stayed normal and even my heart rate stayed normal too, and I did not cry. This has never, ever happened before. Every single time I have talked in a confrontive manner to anyone all these things happen in my body and I can't think clearly, I'm all emotions and I usually end up leaving in tears which eventually turn to sobs. But this time none of this happened. I felt like I had achieved something so major in my life. Part of me felt sad for my family, but part of me was so glad that I finally made my stand, without fear of what they would all say and think about me, without the shame I had always felt whenever there had been those kinds of situations in the past and in which I have just given in instead of sticking to my convictions and beliefs. I suddenly felt again that I was so different from them, but this time in a good way. I wondered if some of the reason why I felt different from them was because of all the different people in my life. I realized that I have so many friends in so many walks of life and in so many places. To me this means I get exposed to different prospectives, different ways of thinking, different ways of being. But most important, I get the validation I have never gotten from my own family and validation is so important to one's self-esteem & self-growth. Another reason I believe is because I am open to change and to learn. I am not afriad to admit when I am wrong because being wrong sometimes and admitting it, or acknowledging something negative about myself, does not mean I am weak, but rather that I am a strong person, unafraid of being human. I am on a new part of my journey now. I have taken that huge step to declare myself an individual who is willing to do what I need to do, no matter how difficult or painful, to learn, and especially to put into practice, new and better ways of dealing with life and its ups and downs.