Prop 8

It is so sad how Proposition 8 is dividing families. I wish we lived in a world where such propositions did not have to exist, in a world where people were not discriminated against simply because of their sexual preference, let alone their color, race, age, spiritual beliefs or anything else that makes a person different from the “norm”.

Last night I saw how Prop 8 was the cause of my dear friend A’s painful decision to distant himself from his partner’s family. A family who he thought had come to accept him (and his partner) fully, a family he thought had come to love him so much that they did not care that he is openly gay.

He and his partner have been living together for 15 years. And although it was difficult for both their families to accept them as a couple at first, both families have eventually come to accept them as who they are and to demonstrate their love for them no matter their sexual preference. At least that’s what it seemed like for all these years, but last night all that changed for A. Before I continue, I need to add here that just a short while ago, A shared with me that when he and his partner arrived for dinner at his partner’s family’s home, he was greeted by a big Prop 8 sign in the front yard. He walked in doors and asked his partner’s sister what that was about and she, nonchalantly said, “Oh, that’s mom’s doing, but don’t’ worry, it means nothing. We still love you.” A, being the straight forward, no holds barred person he is, told her that if it were true she and her family really loved them as much as they said they did, then they would not have such a sign in their front yard. He said that the next time they went over for dinner, the sign was gone.

So last night as he was pulling up to his partner’s family home for dinner to meet up with his partner, who had arrived earlier, he was shocked to see a bumper sticker on the back of his partner’s sister’s SUV. It was a “Yes on 8” bumper sticker. He said he got back in his car and drove back home. He called his partner and told him he would not be joining him for dinner, he said he could no longer be a part of a family who is so obviously not being the genuine people he thought they were. He then explained about the bumper stick. As it turns out, his partner had not seen it, but surprisingly, he became upset and told A he should not let that bother him because, after all, that bumper sticker was just a piece of paper. They argued over the phone and neither one of them backed down.

That is the big difference between them, and the reason why I love A so much, A is so genuine and so strong in his convictions and he does not care one bit what people think about him. His partner, on the other hand, is so into what people will think or say. He does not have any strong opinions or beliefs. He simply lives his life on the surface and gives importance to things rather than people.

I felt the hurt for him when A told me about the bumper sticker because I know how much of himself he has given to this family. He has come to love them, especially the kids. There are 4 of them, ranging in ages from 2 to 12. A 2 year old boy, a 5 or 6 year old girl, a 9 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. And I have seen for myself how much these kids love their “Tios” (uncles), but it is so apparent that the one they love the most, because he is easier to love, is A. In fact, it is so obvious that the kids gravitate more to A than to their true uncle. Not being a part of these kid’s lives is what hurts A more than anything else, for they are not to blame for their mother’s actions. And this is what amazes me more, and makes me sad as well, for I too have come to love these kids. I am dumbfounded when I think about what this young mother is teaching her kids. I feel that what she is teaching them by her actions is going to affect them so negatively. She is teaching them that being hypocritical is a normal state of being.

She is a single mother raising these 4 kids on her own. Well, not totally on her own, but definitely without a father. They all live with her mother—a widow, in her mother’s home. She as two other brothers, but A’s partner is the one brother who really supports her and helps her out the most. She has often told them how much it means to her for them to be there not only for her, but for her kids. Between the two of them, A and his partner, have given this family so much support not just financially but spiritually as well. A and his partner have taken on a father figure role for these kids. They buy them clothes, shoes, school materials, very nice birthday and Christmas gifts, they take them on outings. But most importantly, they talk with them, they play with them, they scold them when needed, they monitor their school grades and reward them for having good grades. I once told A that what he (and his partner too, to a certain degree) is doing for these kids is so important and will have such an positive impact on their lives in the long run, and that for what he is doing, A will receive so many blessings. He modestly said he knows this, but that he does it because he really loves these kids and wants nothing but the best for them. And yet this young mother, because of her “Christian” beliefs, so nonchalantly puts a Prop 8 bumper sticker on her vehicle, knowing full well how this affects her own brother and his partner, both of whom she professes to love so much.

A said he will let her know he plans to no longer be a part of their lives and that he does not want them to come to his home any more. He said he will need to explain to the kids his reasons for his decision, since they already know that their “Tio’s” are a gay couple. In fact, I shared with A that just this past Friday when I was at their house for Halloween. Oh, by the way, this family does not believe in Halloween so the kids cannot dress up on Halloween because, as they have been told by their mother and grandmother, “it’s bad and it goes against God”. So since they cannot dress up, the whole family went over to A and his partner’s home to give out candy. While I was there, A’s partner asked me to go to get some coffee creamer from the store. His nephew, who is nine years old and so sweet, asked if he could go with me and after obtaining his mother’s permission, we went to the nearby grocery store. On our way there he asked me if I would vote yes on Prop 8. I was a bit shocked that a nine year old would even ask me this question. I said, “No! I would vote No.” He said, “But you’re supposed to vote no”. I asked him why and he said because it’s bad. I asked who says it’s bad and he did not answer so I said that I believe people who love each other and want to get married should have the right to get married, and that no one has the right to tell them they cannot get married. I said like your Tio’s, for instance, if they wanted to get married and they did, would they be hurting anyone? He said yes, I said who, and he said, “Well, like…. maybe……someone up in the sky?” Who I asked? “Well, you know…..God.” I said, Oh (I said his name), God will not get hurt. God does not care about that, all he cares about is that we are all good to each other and love each and help each other. He kept insisting, “No, God, does not like that, He thinks it’s bad.” Who says He thinks that? “The Bible does.” I said, no, it does not really say anything about it being bad for gay people to marry. At this point I just said, well I think it’s not bad, and then I let him change the subject and he started telling me about school.

As he went on about school, I was thinking how said it is that parents teach kids to be so limited in their thinking. Although, I don’t consider myself having been a great parent and I did my share of causing harm to my son by my bad parenting skills. I do know and I am able to acknowledge now that I taught him to be honest, genuine, to always question, to question everything, and to make up his own mind about “God”. We hardly ever went to church, but he is a very good man, a good father, a good son, a good husband, and a good friend. To me those are the things that are important to teach a child.

So I don’t know what will happen with A and his partner. He feels that his partner will eventually understand his position and not be angry at him for taking a stand on his beliefs. I hope so because I don’t want to see A hurting. It’s bad enough that he’s now hurting over what he feels is this young woman’s betrayal—and I totally agree with him. Yet he said it’s not that he’s angry or hurt by what she believes. He said she has every right to believe what she wants to believe and that he does not want her to change her believes just to please him. He said it’s the fact that she professes such love for them, accepts all their financial and emotional support and even asks for it sometimes, and yet she openly supports something that goes against who he is as person without a thought or concern about his feelings. He said something that made me so sad for him. He said he’s mainly angry at himself. When I asked why he said because I let this happen. I said , what do you mean? He basically said that’s what he gets for being so dumb. I said, dumb about what? and he started to say something then he stopped. I finished it for him, I said he feels dumb because he opened himself up, he allowed someone in and they hurt him. He said, yes. He said, “You see? That’s what happens”. I said he shouldn’t be angry at himself for that because, after all, that speaks more about “them” than it does about him. My heart went out to him. I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug him so tight.

As I sit here writing all of this, I wonder how many other families there are out there who have been affected by this whole Prop 8 thing. I just wish people would let people be who they are and not judge them for simply loving someone of their own sex. Really, what is wrong with that? In what way does a gay or lesbian person harm anyone? My prayers go out to all the people this proposition has affected and all the families who are also going through the pain that this proposition has caused.