Taking a Stand

A few days ago I had the most unbelievable conversation with one of my sisters. I mean, truly unbelievable. I walked away dumbfounded and wondering if what I had just experienced had really happened.

Since my last posting, I have only kept in touch with two of my eldest sisters. They are both in their early 60's. Unfortunately, I have not even kept in touch with my mother, not after our last converstation early last month (more on this in a later post). After that posting I decided to stick to my conviction of just staying away from certain members of my family for my own spiritual and emotional well being. It wasn't as difficult nor as painful as I had thought it might be. One of my sisters, two years younger than I am, is my hairdresser, and unfortanately she is also one of the ones I need to keep my distance from, but I had an appointment with her this past Saturday. I had decided to keep going to her for my hair, but only for that. I had also decided to just talk to her about what was going on in my life but not mention anything about the family---unless she brought it up. Well, she did--she asked if I was going to attend a birthday party for one of my nieces who just turned 25. I had received an invitation in the mail about a week prior. The party was going to be held at this particular sister's house. I'll just use her first initial "A". So "A" asked me if I was going and I simply said no, in a manner that made it sound like it was nothing of importance. She said as she moved her head slightly from side to side, "You're missing out." I said on what? She said, "On a lot." Like what I said. "On family", she said as she stress the importance of family. I said, "Oh, please, family? What family?" From there started the most strange conversation I have ever had with her. I began by stating that I had not wanted to bring up the subject but since she had brought it up, I had some things to say. I began by pointing out the instances in which I had not been invited to family get-togethers, one of which had been by her. She immediately said she had not intended not to invite me and she insisted her intention had not been to exclude me. After several back and forth statements by the two of us, each trying to make our points, I gave her the benefit of the doubt only because it was proving to get pointless to continue on that one incident. We went from one small part of the whole issue to another. But it was so weird how everything I said, she seemed to totally misunderstand or take the wrong way. For instance when I stated that I needed to especially stay away from "M" (you might remember "M" from my last post), she said that in that case when would the two of us ever get together and talk--in other words, to make peace. I very simply told her that I had no desire to talk with "M" and she said this.......oh, this is strange.........she said,"Oh, so you're going to hate her from now on then?" My mouth just about hung all the way down to my feet! It is such a strange feeling inside my whole body when someone does this to me, and believe me this has happened my whole life with my family (and maybe a very few times with individuals outside of my family--and you had better believe I no longer associate with those individuals!) It feels like a phenomona when a statment or sentiment I express is totally misconstude like that. I could feel my eyes widen in such surprise as I said to her,

Me: Who is saying anything about hating her??!!

A: So you don't hate her?!

Me: No, I don't hate her!!

A: So you love her then?

Me: Yes, of course I love her, she's my sister!!

A: How can you love her when you want nothing to do with her?!! That's not possible!!

Me (again with a look and tone of voice of exasperation) : What??!! Of course it's possible!! I love her as my sister just like I love you, but I can no longer be a part of all those games and craziness. It's very possible to say, Hey, I love you, but I can not be around you because of your behavior.

A: Part of what?

Me: (wondering why I have to repeat myself) The games. You know very well that I can not talk to her, you know she is not able to reason and carry on a normal conversation.

A: Well, we're still family, you know?

Me: I know we're family, so what does that mean to you?

A: That we're blood and who's there when you really need someone? Family!!

Me: ( with a slighty chuckle): Oh no, that's not true. ( I meant in our family)

A: Yes, only family is there for you in times of trouble.

Me: A, where'm I living right now?

A: (just looking at me but not answering)

Me: Where am I livig right now?

Me: Have you ever offered me a place to live? (You can say I am basically homeless right now, but more about that in a another post. It has to do with the housing situation all over the country)

A: Oh, you know I can't do that? (with a look and a tone of voice suggesting I should understand and not need any explaining)

Me: Why not?

A: Because of L (her husband), the two of you would kill each other!!

Me: That's not the point, the point is you have never even offered me any help.

A: I can't, and you know that!

Me: You know--and even if you did ask I would not agree, for the same reason you just stated--but as "family" you have never asked. What A & R (the two wonderful friends who have opened up their home to me by taking me in as a roommate) are doing and all they have done for me, not you nor anyone else in the family would do or has done for me.

The conversation continued along the same lines. And each time I said anything she would completely change my meaning. When I said that had I been her, when she threw the get-together I would have said to both parties who were having issues that I understood they were having issues, but that they were both invited to my house and which ever one did not want to come because they did not want to see the other, than that was up to each individual.

Her response was: Oh, I couldn't do that, I couldn't say that.......to you or to her!!!

Me: Why not?

A: Because, that's rude!

Me: What??!!! What is so rude about acknowledging an issue between two family members?

A: I can't say to you guys, "I don't care if you guys are mad at each other, but I'm inviting you both to my party.

Me: (once again just totally flabbergasted!) A, that's not what I said! I didn't say for you to say it that way! (and again I repeated what I would have said)

Further in the conversation, I mentioned that my son, Eric, had agreed with me when I told him how I would have handled the invitation. He agreed and said, that's the adult thing to do.

Her response: (in an offended tone of voice) Oh, I guess you're the only adult then. I guess the rest of us are not adults. You'r the only adult in the family!!

Me: (in a voice I would use to talk to a child) Oh, A, you see how you are changing things and how you're taking things. That's not what Eric nor I said.

A: Well, that's what you said. You just said that Eric said we're not au...., that he said that's what an adult would do, so I guess that means we're not adults, only you.

Me: No, you're not understanding. That's not what he said.

So it went on like this the whole time she was doing my hair. Luckily, we were the only ones in the shop at the time. When she finally finished. I paid her and she scheduled my next appointment for 3 weeks. We hugged good-bye and both agreed to disagree, but it was a bit ackward. One thing I will say in her favor was that she did apologize if she had hurt my feelings but that she had not done it intentionally. She said she did call everyone almost at the last minute and that she had planned on inviting me the whole time.

When I walked away I was feeling so weird, like I had been in a Twilight Zone somewhere, I could not believe how she had completely misunderstood everything I said. I was feeling like.....did that just really happen? I drove feeling this way the whole drive back home. Then at home I slowly started to realize that I felt so light, so clear, so good. I suddenly realized too that all that time my voice never once wavered nor rose, my breathing stayed normal and even my heart rate stayed normal too, and I did not cry. This has never, ever happened before. Every single time I have talked in a confrontive manner to anyone all these things happen in my body and I can't think clearly, I'm all emotions and I usually end up leaving in tears which eventually turn to sobs. But this time none of this happened. I felt like I had achieved something so major in my life. Part of me felt sad for my family, but part of me was so glad that I finally made my stand, without fear of what they would all say and think about me, without the shame I had always felt whenever there had been those kinds of situations in the past and in which I have just given in instead of sticking to my convictions and beliefs. I suddenly felt again that I was so different from them, but this time in a good way. I wondered if some of the reason why I felt different from them was because of all the different people in my life. I realized that I have so many friends in so many walks of life and in so many places. To me this means I get exposed to different prospectives, different ways of thinking, different ways of being. But most important, I get the validation I have never gotten from my own family and validation is so important to one's self-esteem & self-growth. Another reason I believe is because I am open to change and to learn. I am not afriad to admit when I am wrong because being wrong sometimes and admitting it, or acknowledging something negative about myself, does not mean I am weak, but rather that I am a strong person, unafraid of being human. I am on a new part of my journey now. I have taken that huge step to declare myself an individual who is willing to do what I need to do, no matter how difficult or painful, to learn, and especially to put into practice, new and better ways of dealing with life and its ups and downs.

Family Issues

Instinctively I knew, when I was still living in Washington and contemplating returning to California that one of the things I needed to deal with upon my return would be setting boundaries and speaking my truth with my family of origin, but I had no idea that all those old dysfunctional issues would start up so soon after my arrival and least of all that dealing with all of this would be this painful. It has been only a little over one month since my return and already I have had to deal with so many family issues. On the surface, all the things that have happened since my return seem so petty and yet they stem from so many years and so many layers of dysfunction, that they are really pretty major stuff for me, stuff that reaches way back and brings up old, old pain relating to feelings of being unloved, unwanted, alone, and so worthless . For instance, an issue came up with one of my older sisters that had actually started when I was still in WA, but it has escalated here and it has affected my relationships with some of my other family members. That’s part of the dysfunction in my family, if a disagreement starts with say two of us, other family members seem to unspokenly take sides and it is so frustrating to me. Why can’t all the rest of them just stay out of it and let each person involved in the issue resolve (Wow, that is a strange word in our family!), the disagreement, or at least let it be known to each person involved in the disagreement that they will not participate? Here is what happened and how it all started. Back in February I was talking on the phone with the eldest of my sisters, L, and telling her that I wanted to visit mom for Mother’s Day. L happened to that M, another sister—two yrs older then I am, might be taking mom to the casinos for Mother’s Day. So I called M to ask if she was really going to be taking mom to the casinos on Mother’s Day because if so then I would wait and visit her another time. Well, M immediately went into a very noticeably upset tirade about how unfair it was to mom for certain family members to plan a huge party for Mother’s Day and invite so many people including lots of the relatives from Mexico because most of those relatives ended up staying at mom’s and mom was expected to play hostess to them. Now, while I do understand where M was coming from, it still appeared to me to not be as big a deal as M was making it out to be because, after all, this was February and she was going on and on about an event that might take place in May. M was sounding pretty upset and so I said, “Wait, M, but what does that have to do with me? I simply want to know if you are going to be taking mom to the casinos or not on Mother’s Day so I can plan a trip to visit her.” M got even more upset and she raised her voice and kept saying “let’s just wait to see what mom wants us to do for her on Mother’s Day, it’s not fair to plan a huge party for her and push all these people on her and expect her to play hostess to them”. I tried to explain to M that I was not saying anything about a big party, I simply wanted to go visit mom for Mother’s Day. But there was no getting through to M, she was getting more and more upset. I finally said, in an exasperated voice, “Oh my God, M, you have not change!. You are still the same…. getting so upset and so mad for no reason”. Well, I guess that was the wrong thing to say to her at that moment because she became even more upset and started to almost sound hysterical. She started saying things that did not make sense. She said something about, ……” and this time I have witness” , which I do not understand at all because I didn’t say anything which would warrant the need for a witness on her behalf. All I could think of saying to her from then on was, “M, just calm down, calm down, it’s not good for you to get this upset……just breathe, breathe in and out. Here let’s do it together……..breathe in…..now breath out.” Over and over I kept saying that as she went on an on in a shrill, high voice. At one point she said, “yes, yes, I know, I am the world’s worst person, I know.” And after a while she finally hung up on me. I was driving while this “conversation” was taking place and when she hung up I drove in a sort of daze for a few seconds because I had no idea where all that came from. I really, honestly did not know at that time what caused her to react like that right from the start just because I asked about her plans for Mother’s Day with mom. I have since then figured out that she was actually upset at our oldest sister, L, because L is the one who has planned these big family reunions for about the last three years on Mother’s Day weekend and L was planning another one this year. Well, M was already anticipating all the relatives from Mexico staying at mom’s tiny two bedroom apartment. Now remember, this “conversation” took place in February and Mother’s Day was 3 months away so really, come on, there was no reason to get so bent out of shape in February over something that might take place in May!! And like I said earlier, I do agree that mom is now too old, and her apartment way too small, play hostess and accommodate all of the out of country relatives, but there is a simple solution to that, I think, right? To me that solution is to have a talk with L and explain concerns over mom’s age and health status, and her small apartment, and ask L to come up with alternative plans for the relatives’ stay here in CA. But M still does not know how to do that, all she knows is what she has known all her life, which is to get upset, insinuate things she wants people to know or think about rather than just say them. That’s what I meant when I told her she has not changed. But I guess the truth is very upsetting to some people…..to the point that they cannot accept it and become very angry at the person telling them the truth. Since all of this happened and since my return from WA, M is now telling other members of the family that I offended her so much by treating her like a child……Hello?, Excuse me?........wasn’t she acting like a child??!! But the most unbelievable thing to me is that she is also saying that I said she was the world’s worst person!!! Where this is coming from I have no idea, all I know is that I did not say those words. It is so sad that she obviously believes that about herself or else she would never have even said those words about herself. Well, all I can do is pray for her and that is exactly what I have been doing. I have been saying a prayer in Spanish that my sister L recommended and it does help me to say it every time M pops into my mind.

All of this has prompted some family members to not invite me to family get-togethers when M is invited. One family member did invite me to one gathering, but only after I made mention to mom that I had not been invited. This family member called within a half hour and invited me to the get-together which was scheduled to take place the following day. Now this family member is always very good about extending invitations with plenty of notice, so the fact that she had not invited me and finally did invite me the day before the event, and only after I had happened to mention that she had not invited me to mom, strongly implies to me that I was not going to be invited in the first place. OK, so I went and when M showed up, she did not come in to the house for at least 45 min. I could see her at the front steps from where I was sitting inside in the dining room. M would come right up to the front door and then suddenly turn around and go back and start talking with someone outside. This is not what she normally does when she arrives at get-togethers, she normally comes in and greets everyone with a hug, but not this time. Family members in the dining room kept asking about her, they finally had to go outside and greet her out there. When she finally did come in, I stood up from my seat at the table and look at her, but she never made eye contact with me. The dining room is very small and crowded. I was at the far end of the room and she was at the other end of the room close to the front door. There were so many other family members that the way to her was blocked and I would have had to maneuver my way to her through all the others present. I debated whether I should do just that, excuse myself and maneuver myself over to her and say something like…..”come, M, you’re not even going to greet me?” and at the same time extend out my arms with a smile and greet her, but that old fear held me back, I thought, “No, what if she says something negative right in front of everyone”. So instead I sat down again and we never acknowledged each other. After a while she and A, my younger sister—the one who had held the get-together left. A excused herself saying she would be right back, that she had to run an errand. Before leaving she turned to me and said, “Oh, you probably won’t be here by the time I get back, huh?” What? What was that about? What made her think I would not still be there when she returned? Now if that was not a hint, then what was? So I said, “No, I’m gonna be leaving in a few minutes”. And in less than a half an hour I did just that…I left. She planned another get-together soon after one, that time it was for one of my two niece’s birthday. That time she did invite me and with over a week’s notice….because M was not going to be attending. I did not go. Another time, my sister in-law held a get-together and did not invite me, even though she had opportunity to do so because we talked over the phone the day before the get-together. M went that time. So it is quite apparent to me that they invite me if M is not planning to attend and don’t invite me if M is planning to attend. Just like that, as if I have no feelings, as if I do not matter.

So you see, all of this sounds so petty and so very childish, yet it has stirred up all those old painful feelings of being totally worthless and unloved. Yet in a way, all this has been good because it has given me the opportunity to again deal with all that old pain. Healing from a painful childhood really is like peeling an onion……there are so many layers and each one brings with it more tears. I have allowed the tears to come knowing that their release is part my healing process. I have also come to the decision that I will stay away from my family for a while, until I can become stronger and not let their actions affect me as they have lately. I need to concentrate on my chosen family and all the people in my life who truly value me and who love me and accept me just as I am. And thank Heaven I have so many people in that circle, some are close and some are far away, but even the ones who are far away are so important to me, for they validate me and make me feel like the special person I am.

A New Strength

I was looking back at when I first started this blog and reading through all the postings and I realized yet again how much it helped me to write about what was happening in my life at the time. I noticed that I stopped writing right around the time when my friend A and I had a huge, painful disagreement. I remember wanting so much to write about it but being afraid of what he might think, being afraid of him getting angry with me because he would not agree with what I said. This sort of fear has held me back so much throughout my life. All my life I have been governed by the overpowering fear of “what will they think of me? what will they say?” and of course, “they’ll get mad at me if I say that”. I am 51 years old and still operating out of that fear. I am so sick of it! I don’t want to continue my life like that. I want so much to change that. I picture it in my mind……how it would feel to be able to speak my truth. How liberating that must be!!!

Another reason I stopped writing is because I thought it was not right to expose myself to so many people, to open myself up like that to everyone who might venture into my blog. But in the last few weeks I have been revisiting old blogs and visiting new ones for the first time and I realize what a wonderful and powerful tool this Internet blogging is and how impactful it is to read other people’s blogs. It is so liberating to read about other people’s experiences and their words resonate within me. I feel validated, understood. I recently read one post titled “Letter to a girl I used to know”, this was such a powerful and insightful letter. Every word resonated in every fiber of my being. It was as is the letter was written with me in mind. Then I read the comments…..one was from a 51 yr old woman. In her comments to the writer she said, “It takes great and infinite courage. It takes strength. You are all of those things. Don’t stop sharing, for all of us who are afraid.” After reading this woman’s comments, that’s when I realized how much of an impact certain blogs have on the people who read them. Reading that one letter, and especially that one comment, gave me the courage I needed to restart my blog (by the way, it also gave me and the little girl who still resides within me the opportunity to cry together in the most healing way) and to not be afraid of writing about my feelings, thoughts, experiences…….in short, about my reality. So I will begin posting again, as much as I need and as often as I need and to hell with this fear that has held me back all these years!!!!!

Beautiful Washington

It's hard to believe that I am no longer living in the beautiful state of Washington. I miss the beautiful, plentiful colors of nature; I miss all the trees.. visible from every angle; and I miss seeing majestic Mt. Rainier--when WA weather would permit, of course; I miss my tranquil backyard with the koi swimming in the water; I miss gazing down at them and watching their fluidy movements; and I miss the reflection of the pine trees dancing in the pond water; but most important, I miss the friends I left behind. Friends who changed me life and helped me discover parts of myself I did not even know existed and rediscover parts I had kept dormant for so many years. I miss their accepting, smiling faces.

But the important thing is that I was there. I actually got to live in that beautiful state for almost 3 years. I will always cherish those years not just for the beauty I got to experience, but also for the growth that I experience there as well. I regret not seeing more of Washington so I have to go back and visit all the places I did not see while I lived there. Good bye, Washington. I will always love you and your beauty.

Far Too Long

Yep, as the title states--it has been way too long since my last post. So many things have happened since then, so many changes---mostly good---actually all good, I should say. I need to acknowledge that I am back and that I will post on a regular basis.

I was reading my old postings and I realized how much it helped me to put down in written words what I was thinking, feeling, experiencing. It doesn't matter if anyone reads them or not--what matters is that I do it, for myself, for my own personal growth and spiritual development.

I am in such a good space within myself right now. I feel blessed, so very blessed, that I am here--alive, healthy, and loved--even if it is by those so far away. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow or the next day, but today I feel totally and completely blessed by the Universe!!

Why the pain?

Why do people have to go through so much pain? And why do some go through so much more than others? I once read a book...I don't remember the name and the author's name escapes me too, but it was about the author's belief that we choose our lives here on earth. She wrote that when we are in the spiritual realm, we get together with other Souls and we volunteer to take on the roles we will play out in the material world. We supposedly agree to do this in order to help each other learn whatever it is we need to learn in order elevate to a higher spiritual level. For instance, we choose our parents, siblings, children, friends, casual aquaintences, etc. We choose the circumstances in our lives, down to the most horrid ones. When we have worked out all the details of what our lives will be, and the roles we will taken on here on earth, and everyone is in total agreement, and we finally enter this world--we forget our agreement in order to fully live out the roles we chose and better learn the lessons we agreed we needed to learn.

I don't know if all that is true, but something about this belief resonated within me. It made it easier for me to accept certain things in my life because I do not buy the idea that "God" tests us, or that He/She/It decides what we need to go through in this life. I mean, how can that be? If we were created by that "God" Force or Energy, then we are a part of that Force or Energy--and that would mean that that Force or Energy truly is our parent, and what parent would put their children through what some of us experience in life just to help us learn what we need to learn? I mean really, even if it were in my power, as a parent, I would never put my son through anything painful just because I knew that by doing so I would be helping him to grow spiritually. A parent's first priority is to keep the child safe from any sort of pain or harm. And the parent will always be there to love and support the child in whatever path the child chooses. Sometimes that love and support comes in the form of having to let go, no matter how painful and hard that may be. And that is where this particular author's belief has brought me hope and peace of mind, in the fact that in the ulitmate end, in the spirit realm when we meet again--we will all be OK. Sometimes to me that is the only explanation that makes any sense of all the horrible things that happen in this world and in our lives. For our individual lives and especially for humanity's sake, I hope this belief is true.

To My Inner Child

I hadn't been able to put into words what I had been feeling all weekend until I read a friend's blog this morning. Thank you, JanePoe, for your amazing insight.

A few days ago someone very special to me acted so out of character and in such a hurtful way. I was just as surprised by my reaction as I was by the person's behavior. First I felt anger, but as always I didn't handle the anger well. When angry I either become mean and totally irrational or I am reduced to tears---this time I was reduced to tears. Or rather, I fled in tears and holed up in my house for the rest of the weekend. I knew instinctively that the tears were coming from that deeply wounded place in my soul, where all the past hurts and humiliations by my father were--I was surprised to find out--still so raw.

In the past when this would happen, I would become so angry at myself and would do such a good job of emotionally beating myself up for being so "weak", but this time I allowed my feelings to just be. I cried like I had not cried in such a long time. I let myself feel the present hurt over this perosn's behavior toward me; but most importantly, I allowed myself to feel the pain over all the unfair treatment and down right meanness I had ever received at the hands of my father. I let the tears flow and the wrenching sobs as well. I cried like I had never been allowed to cry back then. It was so cleansing, as well as so exhausting. I must have slept most of the next day. And the tears have continued off and on since then, so have the feelings, but I decided to dedicate this whole weekend to just letting me feel my feelings, to honor them, acknowledge them, to letting them have the full rein they were denied so many years ago.

So without being conscious of it, I have actually been letting that little girl who has been so emotionally and spiritually damaged finally release some of those imprisioned emotions which have in themselves caused her further harm.

As to the person whose behavior was the catalyst for all of this, that person called me yesterday and apologized and acknowledged my feelings, which helped so much to mend our so precious relationship.

The following poem is for my precious inner child and it is in her language:

Mi nina querida
Eres tan hermosa
Y te quiero tanto.
No meresiste lo que paso
Y siento mucho tu dolor
Pero ahora me tienes a mi
Ahora no estas sola
Y nunca estaras.
Cuando necesites llorar,
llora.
Cuando necesites amparo,
Aqui estoy.
Mi ninita dulce, te amo.

Friendship

I'm questioning myself tonight about what kind of a friend I am. Do I expect too much from people, especially friends? Sometimes I think I do--and when they don't treat me the way I treat them, or are not genuine with me the way I am with them, then I feel so disallusioned by them that I pull back from the friendship. One friend told me recently I want to change people, but I disagree. I don't feel that by telling someone that I feel hurt by what they said or how they said, or by what they did, means I am trying to change them. If they feel they need to change in some way so as to not say again what they said or the way they say it, or not do what they did, in order to remain in relationship with me, then that is their choice to change or not change. I feel I simply expect too much from people and I expect them to treat me the way I treat them and of course that does not always happen because we are all individuals.

One thing that I know I am responsible for and yet don't do is talk about how I feel at the time I feel it. For instance, I usually keep the hurt to myself until I hurt enough and then I eventually say why I feel hurt. And of course many people do not like to be told how their actions or words might have been the cause of hurt feelings. Now, of course I know that people's words or action do not cause the hurt feelings, I choose to let the words or actions affect me that way--but hey, I'm only human. And yet they are only human too so why can't I be as forgiving and understanding of them? I have always been the type of person who owns up to what I do or say, even if it is embarrassing to have to admit or own up to it--whatever "it" may be. But my experience with most people, not all, but most, is that they try to cover up their words or actions by manipulating the situation with words that are not sincere. If someone, no matter how much I felt hurt by them, only owns up to their part and acknowledges my feelings, then I am totally fine and I let the issue go, but I can't let it go if they are not genuine with me, so I simply pull back from the relationship, close as it may have been.

Maybe I am just at a point in my life where I am no longer willing, or able--if I want to stay true to myself, to hold on to friends simply because of the longevity of the relationship. I want real and genuine relationships in my life. I am no longer willing to settle for less. And if that means I have to let go of some relationships--be they with men or woman friends--then so be it.

Aging......it's not so bad after all.

Wow, time goes by so fast! This year my son will be 25 years old. I remember so clearly the day after he was born, holding him in my arms and thinking that when he turned 5, I'd be 30 and when he turned 10, I'd be 35, and on it went in my mind until I came to him being 25 and me 50. Those numbers were so far off in to the future back then and now here they are. I find myself asking the eternal question--where did the time go? Did 25 years really go by already? My baby boy is a man now.

I remember when he was a teenager, how hard it was for us to relate to each other. When he was 14, I think, I found out he was smoking weed--at least that's what I was told by a family member, but he told me years later that he had actually been smoking a cigarette. I asked him why then had he said yes when I asked him if it was true he had been smoking weed. He said because that's what I had wanted to hear at that time. My poor baby. I gave him the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th degree. I even got him immediately into counseling through a program at school. After a few weeks in to the counseling, the drug and alcohol counselor told me I had nothing to worry about--that he would be fine. She said he was so different from the other kids in the group--that he was about the only one who opened up in group. Without actually telling me what he talked about, she said his sharing in group was so deep and meaningful. She really liked him and even said she would like to meet him again when he was about 25 because he was going to turn out to be a really good and interesting man. And she was so right, he is a good man and he is interesting. He loves people, and making people laugh. When he was about 16 I received an anonymous card and I still don't know who sent it, but it said that I was doing a good job with him because he was turning out to be such a great person. It went on to say that I was doing the job of both a mother and a father (since his father has never been a part of his life) and doing it well. I remember I started crying because I felt the opposite--I felt I was doing a terrible job, but that somehow, despite me he was turning out to be a good person anyway. Now I can accept that I did the best I could with what I knew back then. I think he now feels the same way too.

He's always been so preceptive. I remember too that he asked me once why I was in counseling and I told him because I wanted to break the cycle of abuse and dysfunctionality in our family. I went on to explain to him how abuse and dysfunctionality is passed on from generation to generation. He was about 12 at that time. And now I really do believe the cycle has been broken with him. He is such a good father. I have seen how even when he feels frustrated and impatient with his daughter, he keeps it together and demonstrates such good parenting skills.

So yes, I may be getting older and that age that I could hardly fathom 25 years ago when I held that little human being in my arms is finally here. But I don't mind getting older because I have had the privailage of being his mother and watching him grow and mature. Now I know I may sound biassed, but I really like the person he has become and is becoming.

Family

What is it about some families that makes them so close and others so distant? Mine for instance is certainly not close and that has always made me feel sad. I feel we are all missing so much, but we each have a choice and sadly in order to find that family connection that I so desparately needed, I had to reach out to strangers. Those "strangers" now have become my family. Thank goodness for chosen families! I believe the families that we choose are our real families, at least to those of us who are not fortunate enough to find that family connection within our biological family. A long time ago I remember exploring this issue with a wonderful therapist---she too thought it odd that among my siblings non of us are close to each other (and those one or two how are are certainly not close in a healthy way). She said that in such dysfunctional families--as the one I had been discribing to her in therapy--usually the siblings become so closely bonded because they only have each other to count on. Well, in my family the opposite seemed to happen. I ask myself if part of it has to do with some siblings not wanting anything to do with the past, that being close to each other brings up too many memories or feelings of the life we led back then. I don't know what it is, but I have always longed for closeness with my sisters and I have never had that.

What I have had is wonderful friendships with women. Women who love and appreciate me exactly as I am. Women who find me interesting and inspiring even. And of course, the best relationship of all--my dearest friend/"brother"/mentor A. My whole life changed from the moment I met him. Someone once told me, "Guy men make the best girlfriends." And it is so true--if A were straight we would never have the kind of relationship we are so fortunate to have now. He lifts my Spirit just with his presence.

So yes, I have found and formed my own family, and I feel truely blessed. Although I love my siblings and I know they love me and probably we will continue to have the obilgatory family get-togethers every now and then, we will never really be an emotionally close family not afriad to show that love--and that is a sad loss for all of us.

Be careful what you ask for...

Today I talked with my ex-BF and it feels nice to know that we can still be friends. He is such a good man. It's funny how the Universe answers our prayers exactly as we ask. Years ago before we met I remember coming up with a list of all the qualities, or things, I was looking for in a man. Here's what I can remember from that list:
Honest
Spiritual
Educated
Intelligent
Sensitive
Loving
Kind
Patient
Understanding
Funny
Gentle
Open-minded
Caring
Well read
Bilingual (Spanish & English)
Someone who liked women (I didn't mean hetrosexual, but rather someone who really liked the complexeties of the female psyche)
Good in bed (Wow, he's been the best so far!--and I have had many)

Well, as it turned out he does have all of these qualities, but as the saying goes, "Be careful what you ask for because you might get it." I think what the saying actually means is that you need to ask for exactly what you want because what you ask for is exactly what you will get, and only that--nothing more and nothing less.

What I should have included in that list is the following:

Someone with common sense (more important than intelligence)

Established career

Rich, or at least pretty well off

Goal-oriented

Emotionally stable

Socially adept
Not afriad of commitment

I should have specifically asked for the above list as well because he certainly has all the qualities listed in the first list, but he's lacking all the rest. It's so true what Dr. Slesinger always says, "Love is not enough." I used to think it was. I figured that if he had all the qualities on the first list, then everything else would work out--even if he did not have the money, the career, etc. But I finally had to realize and accept that if those other things are missing there are bound to be problems in the relationship. Despite the goodness of his soul, I had to let go of the hope that he would eventually pull his life together and we could have a "normal life". But either he can't or he won't, whichever it is it's not going to happen. And then you add to that my issues around anger, the fact that we are both recovering alcoholics, and that we both come from such dysfuntional families--well, no wonder we couldn't make it. But the important thing is we are still friends. He will always be someone special in my life.

More on Freedom

I've been thinking all day about last night's post. What I wrote about my father. I hadn't thought about that for years, or him for that matter. Well, maybe not years for him, but certainly months and months will go by and I don't even remember that he is still here, in this world--most likely still abusing another family. Those words he said to me had such an impact. They shaped the kind of woman I would be. There's a certain strength in that because I don't let anyone abuse me, but mostly the impact has been negative. I remember my reaction--inner, of course because it wasn't safe to let my reaction show. I felt such rage. I remember vowing to him in my mind that I would let no one treat me that way, that if anything I would be the one doing the hitting. And that has been the cause of most of the problems in my relationships--or course, how would anyone want to stick around being abused. I remember thinking many times in my last relationship that if I were him I would leave me in a minute. And it's not an excuse, and it certainly doesn't make it any better, but I only get abusive when I feel hurt, lied to, or if I preceive being made of fool of in any way. The abuse is mainly verbal and emotional, but in the past it was physical. I hate being that way. I heard Oprah today on her show talking to a young woman, telling her what Oprah strongly believes in, "When you know better, you do better." Well, I know better now so why am I still abusive in relationships? Why do I feel that the only way I will get heard is by showing rage? A few weeks ago my best friend said he sees a change in me, that I don't seem as angry at the world as before. That really threw me for a loop because I guess I always knew in the back of my head that I am a very angry person, but when he put it into words I felt jolted into awareness and it was not a comfortable feeling. I want to let go of that anger. I keep reminding myself I am not there anymore, that I am not under my father's control anymore. I said in last night's post that I am proud of myself for proving him wrong. Yeah, I certainly am not living the oppressed and abused life he wanted for me, but I am still under his control if I let his words still affect me to the point that now I hurt people with my anger--like he did. That's why I am always afraid to get into a relationship, because I know that's when my anger rises to the surface for any little, or big, offence from the other person--but at the same time I want a relationship. I just don't know how to be in a healthy one. I don't know why I am writing about this, but I feel that I need to because I don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want to leave it in the back of my head and not talk about it. I want to expose it and not feel ashamed about it. My anger is part of me--it served me well and helped me cope for so many years when that was the only way I could survive--but it is time to lay it to rest, not completely because anger is necessary--healthy anger, that is--that I need to keep and know when and how to make it useful in my life. But that old anger born on that night when my father said those words to me--that is the anger that needs to be released--it is no longer needed. Then, and only then, will I be completely free.

Solitude, Marc Anthony & Freedom

Tonight I feel good about living alone. Sometimes it's not easy living alone, especially in a big house. Sometimes I wish I had someone to share it with, but not tonight. Tonight I am enjoying my solitude. I have the whole house to myself--it's my own space, my santuary. I am listening to Marc Anthony. Although I am not too crazy about him anymore (too much of a womanizer, I feel--but then again, he seems to be faithful to JLo), I'm totally in love with his music. I love his voice, the lyrics, and especially when he sings in Spanish. It sounds so hot. I would love to see him perform. I hear he is one hell of a performer.

Anyway, back to living alone---I was thinking how fortunate I am to own my own life. To be free to make my own decisions without having to answer to anyone. Growing up I never could have dreamt I would be living this life. I remember my father once told me he had to treat me mean so I would get used to it because I would be treated like that when I got married. In fact, he said, I would even be hit. The sadder thing was that he said it as if he wished that for me. I have had my share of relationships, unfortunately the majority of them with troubled, deeply wounded men, but never violent nor abusive. I am so proud of myself for proving my father wrong, for not believing I deserved what he wanted for me. I have created a life for myself free of chaos, violence, fear. I am in control of my life. Freedom! There is nothing in this world better for the soul than that and I feel blessed.

My Promise to Me

Well, I just got back from my belly dance class--and it was great!! I was going to say that I finally took a step toward reclaiming my body, but I just realized something--I have never really owned my body. Or rather I have never felt integrated with my body. Up tuntil the last few years of my life it has always been something to hide. Something totally apart from me. Even as a little girl I was so self-conscious of my body, always comparing it to other girls, and always finding it lacking. A wise woman I know wrote a few weeks ago that we should love the skin we're in because it's the only one we have. And she is right. I have been blessed with this body that has served me so well until now, and I hope it continues to serve me well until the end. But it can only do that if I take care of it. Belly dance for me is one way to do that. I just love the movements. I am totally mesmorized when I see belly dancers perform, but I have never allowed myself to stick with it long enough so that I too can move my body so fluidly and gracefully. I realize tonight that it's been mostly due to the erroneous feelings I have had about my body. This time I have made a promise to myself--I will continue until I can be good enough to perform someday. That will be the ultimate tribute I can pay to this wonderful, faithful body that my Spirit chose to help it continue in it's evolution and journey toward Wholeness.

I Hate Good Byes.....

......but at the same time I love them. Because a good bye means you had the joy of sharing time with the one you love. Today I dropped my son off at the airport. He was here for a short visit, very short. It seems like a dream that he was actually here, that I got to talk with him, share laughs with him. I am so grateful..........not only because I got to see him, but because he loves me. Because he forgives me. I am crying as I write this. God, how I wish I could turn back time. I would give anything in the world to be able to do that, to do it all over again.......but only if I were then who I am now.

But that's the darn thing about this thing called life. We can't go back. We can only go forward. We only have today and today I choose not to beat myself up for what I can not change, for being who I was when I had no sense of who I was. So yes, today I said good bye, but how can I be sad when this weekend I was blessed with so much--my Mijo was here! And that makes today a very special day.

Thoughts for tonight.....

I am forever amazed at how my life has unfolded. And how things happen exactly as they should, even though I may not be thrilled by it at the moment things are happening. Whenever I have come to a crossroads I have always taken the road least likely to take me anywhere I think I should be, but as it turns out---that's exactly the road I needed to be on. Like for instance my current job. It certainly is not going to make me rich in material things, but I can already begin to see the results of staying in it versus going for the one with more monetary benefits. So now I am going to hang on to that thought regarding all matters in my life. I will trust--as hard as that is sometimes--that my life is happening as it should, that the people in it are the exact people I need to learn from right now. That is a comforting thought.

My Beloved Angels

I truly believe dogs are angels sent from Heaven to teach us acceptance, unconditional love, to teach us how to live in the moment and how to enjoy life for life's sake. What would my life be like without my two angels? I can count on them to always make me smile. No matter how low I am feeling they lift my spirit just with a wag of their tails, a lap from their velvety tongues, and that look of total adoration in their eyes. I am their world, their God. It feels good to be needed, to be wanted so much, and especially to be accepted exactly as I am. With them I am who I am, there is no need for niceties, no pretences, just total freedom to be me and to be loved for just being me. They are such wonderful beings who live totally in the moment all of their lives. Unlike children, they do not grow up to eventually be contaminated by societal and cultural beliefs. They stay the same forever, always joyful just to be in our presence, and I in turn am humbled to be in theirs.

How To Begin

Well, here it is 2 days after I started this blog and I haven't posted anything yet. Not because I haven't written anything, but because I don't know how to start. Do I write my thoughts in form of a journal, do I write in poetry form (like my great boss, Deb, but certainly not as wonderful as she writes). I keep second guessing myself and holding myself back. I haven't written anything (except for e mails, holiday cards, B-day cards, etc.) since I graduated with my Bachelor's in 1999. Too long. Deb suggested I do this as a way to get back into writing so I guess that's what I'll do. I know I need to, especially right now. Going thru a break-up sucks. I wish it were a six months from now so I could be over the hardest part. For some reason six months has always been the magic number for me in these sort of things. At the six month mark I feel better, I can look back and see the pain I was in and remember it, but not be drenched in it like I am right now. But I guess I have to get thru it before it will get any better. A well-meaning friend told me a few days ago to just not think about it. I guess that's one way to do it, but it has never been mine. As much as I hate it and as much as it sucks, I have to just let it happen. Let the process just unfold, let the emotions take me where they need to take me and not be afraid of them. So this is how I will start I guess, just write whatever comes to me at the moment I am writing. Just let the process unfold.

The End of Us

You always wanted me to write our story....to immortalize our love, our passion.
To forever capture those exquisitely tender moments when not only our bodies, but our spirits, our souls, our total essences deliciously fused together in ecstasy.
And maybe I will someday, when the pain is not so raw, when my emotions stop swirling, changing in all directions and seemingly out of my control.

I miss Us so..... You took me to places I never knew existed. With you I held nothing back and gave myself up to the moment, to you--totally and completely. All that is gone now and only the painfully sweet memories are left. They are embedded in every pore of my being. My body still feels you, longs for you. I do miss Us so.....but in the missing is the appreciation of, the paying tribute to, our own little history. In grieving we honor what was and lovingly tuck each memory away in our hearts for safe keeping.

I would not trade what we shared for anything in the world, and I would do it all again---even knowing it would eventually end in pain---because We were, our love existed and nothing can change that, nothing can erase it or take it away. We now forge ahead each on our own separate journeys--better for having known each other, stronger for having willingly shared, bared ourselves to each other in love, anger, joy, pain and every other exquisitely wonderful emotion in between. Te seguire amando siempre.

The Beginning

Welcome to my blog. Come along on the journey and let's see where this takes me.