A Little Bit of Housecleaning

A little over three weeks ago on a Saturday morning while I was doing some housecleaning I finally decided to call mom as my eldest sister had requested. I noticed again that my heart was not starting to race wildly, nor my breathing to become more and more rapid because this sort of physical reaction would happen in the past whenever I needed to confront an issue with someone. This reaction would start the second the thought would come to my head; but this time I simply put the cleaning rag aside, washed my hands and dried them, picked up the phone and began dealing mom’s number. She was on the phone by the 3rd ring. I said Hello and she asked how I was doing. I said fine. Then I told her I had called for a specific reason which was that I wanted her to know very clearly, and to understand, very clearly that no one is influencing me in any way, that no one is telling what to do, that my decision to stay away from her and some of the other family members is mine alone. She was quiet and did not say a word. I went on to tell her that the reason I had decided to stop calling her was because of her response to my statement, during our last converstation, about how I would have handled the situation regarding the family get-togethers. Again, silence on her end. I told her that I love her and I love my sisters but from a far. I said that when I was in Washington and I had made my decision to return to CA, I knew I had to set boundaries and that things had to change in my interactions with family, but that I had no idea of this outcome. I told her how happy and content I had been in Washington and at this point is when she said, "I know, I know you were so happy there. I saw it for myself." And amazingly she was so sincere in her comment, I could tell from her tone of voice. I said, "Yes, and the reason I believe I was so happy was precisely because I was so far away from the family, from all the negative energy that has always existed in our family". She was quiet again. I went on to say, "When I returned I immediately felt the difference in how I felt back in Washington and how I felt when I was around family again". I said to her that I just do not want to continue with all the head games and all the negative communication patterns we have learned. And I said in a pleading tone of voice to please understand that "by this I am not "suviendome el cuello". This basically means that I am not lifting my head up in the air with a better-than-thou attitude. In fact, I said, "Mom, I am not saying I am better than you or my sisters. I am not better than anyone. I just don’t want to be the way I was any more. I am tried of it. We are adults now, we don’t have to behave the way we used to when we were young and did not know any better. And, Mom, you know that the incident with M was not all that big of a deal, not as big of a deal as she made it out to be. You have to admit that". And again, surprisingly, she said, "No, it wasn’t".

I went on to say, "But M will never admit that and you know why? And this is one thing I need to say, Mom, and please understand that I mean no disrespect by this......I learned something so important from both you and dad, but unfortunately I did not learn it because it was something you modeled, but rather the opposite. I watched all the family arguments, fights, the unfair treatment by both you and dad, but never once did I see you nor dad admit when you were wrong. Neither one of you have ever been able to admit to the people you wronged that you did wrong. I didn’t want to be like that, so I learned very early on how important it is to be able to admit when I am wrong. And M and R, as much as I love him (he is the eldest of my brothers) both learned this so well from you. Neither one of them have ever been able to admit when they are wrong and that is so sad".

Through all this she was quiet, did not say a word. I went on, "I have always had the fame in the family of being "la corajuda and "la rencorosa". Yes, I was angry a lot but why? Because of all the bad treatment and the abuse. I was reacting normally to abnormal circumstances, and yet being judged "la corajuda" for it. And if I really were "rencorosa" would I even be talking to J right now? You know how much dislike there was between him and I, but with the letter I wrote him a while back, I released a lot of those negative feeling, and most importantly, with his response, he helped me to also let go of the anger I felt toward him. He never did actually say I’m sorry, but he did listen to me and indirectly at least he took responsibility for his actions and changed his attitude toward me and that is enough for me. That is all I need to let go of anger and negative feelings toward someone. A fter someone sincerely listens to me and at least meets me half way, all the anger and negativity dissipates".

At this point she said, "Well, all of you forgive me then. If I offended any of you, I ask forgiveness from you all."

I couldn't help but chuckle and said, " Oh, Mom. Do you actually hear your own words? How easy it is for someone to say, well, IF I hurt you in anyway, forgive me. Do you realize how insincere that sounds? Because to me that is the most insincere thing you can say, but then again, that’s one of the reasons why I need to just stay way. So I love you, Mom. I love my sisters. I send you all my prayers and I hope the best for all of you".

She said, "Yes, I love you too and I am praying for you too".

And that was how our conversation ended.

Then as I continued with my housecleaning, about a half hour later I realized I had forgotten to ask her for an important telephone number so I had no choice but to call her again. I told her I had forgotten to ask for the number and could she please give it to me. She said she did not have the cell phone number but that she would call the person and call me back. About 15 minutes later she called back with the cell phone number and then she starting going on and on about how this person’s mother had passed away, but that first her sister had passed away, then a month later, her mother, and wasn’t that just awful, and be sure to give her your condolences, and she is now so depressed...............she was talking like she usually does –talking really fast and really animated because relating stories about what is happening in others lives is what she loves to do. And I just could not listen to it so I interrupted her rambling and yes, OK, can I have the number? I wrote it down and said, "I gotta go now". When I hung up I was so amazed that she just does not get it..........either that or she chooses not to get it. I couldn't believe that had I let her, she would have just gone on and on and probably would have started in on another person’s story. I just shook my head and felt so convinced that what I am doing is the single most important and best thing I have done for myself in my life.

I later spoke to my son and shared what happened with him. It felt so good to feel his support and especially his total understanding. I am so proud of him because he, like me, is not afraid to admit when he is wrong. In fact, he sees it as a sig of strength to be able to admit and say to someone you were wrong. He is able to say he is sorry when he knows he hurt someone. I am so glad for him because I believe that being able to admit when one wrong is so important, not just for the person who was wronged, but especially for the person who did the wrong. It is a way of doing housecleaning for the soul and the spirit. It keeps us genuine.