I Hate Good Byes.....

......but at the same time I love them. Because a good bye means you had the joy of sharing time with the one you love. Today I dropped my son off at the airport. He was here for a short visit, very short. It seems like a dream that he was actually here, that I got to talk with him, share laughs with him. I am so grateful..........not only because I got to see him, but because he loves me. Because he forgives me. I am crying as I write this. God, how I wish I could turn back time. I would give anything in the world to be able to do that, to do it all over again.......but only if I were then who I am now.

But that's the darn thing about this thing called life. We can't go back. We can only go forward. We only have today and today I choose not to beat myself up for what I can not change, for being who I was when I had no sense of who I was. So yes, today I said good bye, but how can I be sad when this weekend I was blessed with so much--my Mijo was here! And that makes today a very special day.

Thoughts for tonight.....

I am forever amazed at how my life has unfolded. And how things happen exactly as they should, even though I may not be thrilled by it at the moment things are happening. Whenever I have come to a crossroads I have always taken the road least likely to take me anywhere I think I should be, but as it turns out---that's exactly the road I needed to be on. Like for instance my current job. It certainly is not going to make me rich in material things, but I can already begin to see the results of staying in it versus going for the one with more monetary benefits. So now I am going to hang on to that thought regarding all matters in my life. I will trust--as hard as that is sometimes--that my life is happening as it should, that the people in it are the exact people I need to learn from right now. That is a comforting thought.

My Beloved Angels

I truly believe dogs are angels sent from Heaven to teach us acceptance, unconditional love, to teach us how to live in the moment and how to enjoy life for life's sake. What would my life be like without my two angels? I can count on them to always make me smile. No matter how low I am feeling they lift my spirit just with a wag of their tails, a lap from their velvety tongues, and that look of total adoration in their eyes. I am their world, their God. It feels good to be needed, to be wanted so much, and especially to be accepted exactly as I am. With them I am who I am, there is no need for niceties, no pretences, just total freedom to be me and to be loved for just being me. They are such wonderful beings who live totally in the moment all of their lives. Unlike children, they do not grow up to eventually be contaminated by societal and cultural beliefs. They stay the same forever, always joyful just to be in our presence, and I in turn am humbled to be in theirs.

How To Begin

Well, here it is 2 days after I started this blog and I haven't posted anything yet. Not because I haven't written anything, but because I don't know how to start. Do I write my thoughts in form of a journal, do I write in poetry form (like my great boss, Deb, but certainly not as wonderful as she writes). I keep second guessing myself and holding myself back. I haven't written anything (except for e mails, holiday cards, B-day cards, etc.) since I graduated with my Bachelor's in 1999. Too long. Deb suggested I do this as a way to get back into writing so I guess that's what I'll do. I know I need to, especially right now. Going thru a break-up sucks. I wish it were a six months from now so I could be over the hardest part. For some reason six months has always been the magic number for me in these sort of things. At the six month mark I feel better, I can look back and see the pain I was in and remember it, but not be drenched in it like I am right now. But I guess I have to get thru it before it will get any better. A well-meaning friend told me a few days ago to just not think about it. I guess that's one way to do it, but it has never been mine. As much as I hate it and as much as it sucks, I have to just let it happen. Let the process just unfold, let the emotions take me where they need to take me and not be afraid of them. So this is how I will start I guess, just write whatever comes to me at the moment I am writing. Just let the process unfold.

The End of Us

You always wanted me to write our story....to immortalize our love, our passion.
To forever capture those exquisitely tender moments when not only our bodies, but our spirits, our souls, our total essences deliciously fused together in ecstasy.
And maybe I will someday, when the pain is not so raw, when my emotions stop swirling, changing in all directions and seemingly out of my control.

I miss Us so..... You took me to places I never knew existed. With you I held nothing back and gave myself up to the moment, to you--totally and completely. All that is gone now and only the painfully sweet memories are left. They are embedded in every pore of my being. My body still feels you, longs for you. I do miss Us so.....but in the missing is the appreciation of, the paying tribute to, our own little history. In grieving we honor what was and lovingly tuck each memory away in our hearts for safe keeping.

I would not trade what we shared for anything in the world, and I would do it all again---even knowing it would eventually end in pain---because We were, our love existed and nothing can change that, nothing can erase it or take it away. We now forge ahead each on our own separate journeys--better for having known each other, stronger for having willingly shared, bared ourselves to each other in love, anger, joy, pain and every other exquisitely wonderful emotion in between. Te seguire amando siempre.

The Beginning

Welcome to my blog. Come along on the journey and let's see where this takes me.