My New Passion

Recently, I discovered a whole new wonderful, magical, and fulfilling world...........the world of fairies and their miniature gardens. I have been having so much fun making these special and lovely little gardens. These are just a few of the ones I have made so far. I hope to continue making more, for fun and for profit.

Prop 8

It is so sad how Proposition 8 is dividing families. I wish we lived in a world where such propositions did not have to exist, in a world where people were not discriminated against simply because of their sexual preference, let alone their color, race, age, spiritual beliefs or anything else that makes a person different from the “norm”.

Last night I saw how Prop 8 was the cause of my dear friend A’s painful decision to distant himself from his partner’s family. A family who he thought had come to accept him (and his partner) fully, a family he thought had come to love him so much that they did not care that he is openly gay.

He and his partner have been living together for 15 years. And although it was difficult for both their families to accept them as a couple at first, both families have eventually come to accept them as who they are and to demonstrate their love for them no matter their sexual preference. At least that’s what it seemed like for all these years, but last night all that changed for A. Before I continue, I need to add here that just a short while ago, A shared with me that when he and his partner arrived for dinner at his partner’s family’s home, he was greeted by a big Prop 8 sign in the front yard. He walked in doors and asked his partner’s sister what that was about and she, nonchalantly said, “Oh, that’s mom’s doing, but don’t’ worry, it means nothing. We still love you.” A, being the straight forward, no holds barred person he is, told her that if it were true she and her family really loved them as much as they said they did, then they would not have such a sign in their front yard. He said that the next time they went over for dinner, the sign was gone.

So last night as he was pulling up to his partner’s family home for dinner to meet up with his partner, who had arrived earlier, he was shocked to see a bumper sticker on the back of his partner’s sister’s SUV. It was a “Yes on 8” bumper sticker. He said he got back in his car and drove back home. He called his partner and told him he would not be joining him for dinner, he said he could no longer be a part of a family who is so obviously not being the genuine people he thought they were. He then explained about the bumper stick. As it turns out, his partner had not seen it, but surprisingly, he became upset and told A he should not let that bother him because, after all, that bumper sticker was just a piece of paper. They argued over the phone and neither one of them backed down.

That is the big difference between them, and the reason why I love A so much, A is so genuine and so strong in his convictions and he does not care one bit what people think about him. His partner, on the other hand, is so into what people will think or say. He does not have any strong opinions or beliefs. He simply lives his life on the surface and gives importance to things rather than people.

I felt the hurt for him when A told me about the bumper sticker because I know how much of himself he has given to this family. He has come to love them, especially the kids. There are 4 of them, ranging in ages from 2 to 12. A 2 year old boy, a 5 or 6 year old girl, a 9 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. And I have seen for myself how much these kids love their “Tios” (uncles), but it is so apparent that the one they love the most, because he is easier to love, is A. In fact, it is so obvious that the kids gravitate more to A than to their true uncle. Not being a part of these kid’s lives is what hurts A more than anything else, for they are not to blame for their mother’s actions. And this is what amazes me more, and makes me sad as well, for I too have come to love these kids. I am dumbfounded when I think about what this young mother is teaching her kids. I feel that what she is teaching them by her actions is going to affect them so negatively. She is teaching them that being hypocritical is a normal state of being.

She is a single mother raising these 4 kids on her own. Well, not totally on her own, but definitely without a father. They all live with her mother—a widow, in her mother’s home. She as two other brothers, but A’s partner is the one brother who really supports her and helps her out the most. She has often told them how much it means to her for them to be there not only for her, but for her kids. Between the two of them, A and his partner, have given this family so much support not just financially but spiritually as well. A and his partner have taken on a father figure role for these kids. They buy them clothes, shoes, school materials, very nice birthday and Christmas gifts, they take them on outings. But most importantly, they talk with them, they play with them, they scold them when needed, they monitor their school grades and reward them for having good grades. I once told A that what he (and his partner too, to a certain degree) is doing for these kids is so important and will have such an positive impact on their lives in the long run, and that for what he is doing, A will receive so many blessings. He modestly said he knows this, but that he does it because he really loves these kids and wants nothing but the best for them. And yet this young mother, because of her “Christian” beliefs, so nonchalantly puts a Prop 8 bumper sticker on her vehicle, knowing full well how this affects her own brother and his partner, both of whom she professes to love so much.

A said he will let her know he plans to no longer be a part of their lives and that he does not want them to come to his home any more. He said he will need to explain to the kids his reasons for his decision, since they already know that their “Tio’s” are a gay couple. In fact, I shared with A that just this past Friday when I was at their house for Halloween. Oh, by the way, this family does not believe in Halloween so the kids cannot dress up on Halloween because, as they have been told by their mother and grandmother, “it’s bad and it goes against God”. So since they cannot dress up, the whole family went over to A and his partner’s home to give out candy. While I was there, A’s partner asked me to go to get some coffee creamer from the store. His nephew, who is nine years old and so sweet, asked if he could go with me and after obtaining his mother’s permission, we went to the nearby grocery store. On our way there he asked me if I would vote yes on Prop 8. I was a bit shocked that a nine year old would even ask me this question. I said, “No! I would vote No.” He said, “But you’re supposed to vote no”. I asked him why and he said because it’s bad. I asked who says it’s bad and he did not answer so I said that I believe people who love each other and want to get married should have the right to get married, and that no one has the right to tell them they cannot get married. I said like your Tio’s, for instance, if they wanted to get married and they did, would they be hurting anyone? He said yes, I said who, and he said, “Well, like…. maybe……someone up in the sky?” Who I asked? “Well, you know…..God.” I said, Oh (I said his name), God will not get hurt. God does not care about that, all he cares about is that we are all good to each other and love each and help each other. He kept insisting, “No, God, does not like that, He thinks it’s bad.” Who says He thinks that? “The Bible does.” I said, no, it does not really say anything about it being bad for gay people to marry. At this point I just said, well I think it’s not bad, and then I let him change the subject and he started telling me about school.

As he went on about school, I was thinking how said it is that parents teach kids to be so limited in their thinking. Although, I don’t consider myself having been a great parent and I did my share of causing harm to my son by my bad parenting skills. I do know and I am able to acknowledge now that I taught him to be honest, genuine, to always question, to question everything, and to make up his own mind about “God”. We hardly ever went to church, but he is a very good man, a good father, a good son, a good husband, and a good friend. To me those are the things that are important to teach a child.

So I don’t know what will happen with A and his partner. He feels that his partner will eventually understand his position and not be angry at him for taking a stand on his beliefs. I hope so because I don’t want to see A hurting. It’s bad enough that he’s now hurting over what he feels is this young woman’s betrayal—and I totally agree with him. Yet he said it’s not that he’s angry or hurt by what she believes. He said she has every right to believe what she wants to believe and that he does not want her to change her believes just to please him. He said it’s the fact that she professes such love for them, accepts all their financial and emotional support and even asks for it sometimes, and yet she openly supports something that goes against who he is as person without a thought or concern about his feelings. He said something that made me so sad for him. He said he’s mainly angry at himself. When I asked why he said because I let this happen. I said , what do you mean? He basically said that’s what he gets for being so dumb. I said, dumb about what? and he started to say something then he stopped. I finished it for him, I said he feels dumb because he opened himself up, he allowed someone in and they hurt him. He said, yes. He said, “You see? That’s what happens”. I said he shouldn’t be angry at himself for that because, after all, that speaks more about “them” than it does about him. My heart went out to him. I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug him so tight.

As I sit here writing all of this, I wonder how many other families there are out there who have been affected by this whole Prop 8 thing. I just wish people would let people be who they are and not judge them for simply loving someone of their own sex. Really, what is wrong with that? In what way does a gay or lesbian person harm anyone? My prayers go out to all the people this proposition has affected and all the families who are also going through the pain that this proposition has caused.

A Conversation with My Brother

On 09/17/08 I spoke to my brother–the one who just recently left his wife–the outcast–as some family members see him. He called to ask if my email address was still the same one because he wanted to share a photo album from a current trip he and his—wow, what do I call her? I don’t want to say girlfriend because that sounds to juvenile, so I guess I will just say his partner. Anyway, they took a trip to Mt. Rushmore and he said it was so amazing. So I gave him my new email address. He asked how I was doing, how I liked my job. I told him I am finally settling in to my new place and that I really like my job. Then I shared with him my last conversation with mom. I summarized it and told him he could read about it in my blog. I asked him how he was doing and he shared that just recently memories from childhood have begun to surface. He said he’s been talking with his partner about this and that sometimes he just breaks down and cries. When he said this it made me sad for him, but at the same time happy. Not happy that he is experiencing emotional pain, of course, but that he is "waking up". I first heard this expression used in this context years ago when I was in my late 30's from a woman doctor who I’d gone to see for female health problems. During the course of the exam she asked about my emotional health. (Funny how only women doctors–and not all of them either–take this into consideration when seeing women patients). Anyway, so I shared with her that I was in early recovery and attending a spiritual women’s weekly meeting, and getting therapy. I told her how a lot of memories and issues from my childhood were surfacing. I remember telling her that I felt like I was a gaping wound, oozing nothing but pain that seemed to come from my core, and that I was constantly crying. When I said this her eyes lit up and smiling she said, "That’s wonderful! You’re waking up!" She explained what she meant, that in order to move ahead in my healing and recovery (not just alcoholism, but child abuse as well) this resurfacing of painful childhood memories and experiences is common. We had a real good talk about how the recovery and healing process works. From that point on I kept her words close in my heart and her wise workds helped make the emotional pain feel good somehow because I knew that going through the pain would take me to a better place in my emotional and inner life. And that’s how I feel about my brother. He is on his journey of healing and true recovery. If fact, he said he had realized he'd been in denial all those years. He is right, he was. I saw it, it was the denial that made him be so unapproachable, so angry, and so cold and unfeeling. He was so unhappy and his unhappiness affected his relationships with everyone in the family. I observed that only with his friends at work he was able to let go and laugh and joke and be nice. In fact, this always angered me because I felt he was being so hypocritical and that if his friends only knew the "real" him. How sad, now I look back and perhaps the "real" him was the person he was able to be only with his friends.

I only remember him being genuinely happy at one time in our young lives when we were all living in that chaotic, abusive, unloving, emotionally stiffling, alcoholic environment in which we grew up. We were all so scared of my father’s drunken episodes. The unhappiness, tension and fear were so strong that you really could have cut it with a knife. This one incident that I remember from back then involved the woman he is currently with—life has a funny and sometimes great way of making a complete circle. He was in high school and I believe it was his last year in high school. He was taking drama and he became involved in the production of the school plays. And he was actually quite good at acting. The first time saw him up there in the stage, I kept thinking how brave it was of him to be able to do that in front of all those people. So that’s how he met her. She became his first girlfriend. I remember when he told us how he met her in the drama class and they were going steady and that she was going to play his mother in one of the plays. It was apparent that he was so happy. He was so excited too about the plays and we all went to see the opening night of one play, I don't remember if it was "Up the Down Stair Case" or another play they both were in. He introduced us to his girlfriend and his face was beaming with pride and joy. I remember her being short and little plump and very pretty. She seemed very warm and friendly, and she had a beautiful smile. I took a liking to her immediately, although I don't remember ever having any thing to do with her after that.

On the night of the final play, the class had a celebration and of course he attended. I remember that night my father kept pacing back and forth, looking at the clock and cursing saying it was late and where the hell was he. I could feel the tension and anger in my father building as each minute went by and being so afraid for my brother. I seem to remember it being like 10:00 pm and wondering why my father was so upset because it didn’t seem that late to me. I also remember thinking how doomed we all were because if my father was so angry over my brother being late because he was attending such an important high school celebration, then we girls had nothing to look forward to as far as being able to socialize with our friends at school functions. I remember feeling so sad for my brother because–and this is sad to say, but that was my mentality back then–it seemed that being girls it was somehow more understandable to me that my father would be so strict with us, but I felt that my brother, being a boy, should have had at least more liberties. And actually he had been given more lead way than us girls, but that night as my father kept pacing back and forth, he was saying, "This is bullshit, if he’s gonna be out this late because of those plays then he’d better just stop." I don’t really remember what time it was when my brother finally came home, but I would wager to say it was 11:00ish. I, being always so observant, watched as he entered. My father was waiting for him. My brother’s face was lit up with joy. He was smiling and I could see in his eyes total happiness......until my father spoke his first words to him. My brother’s face just seemed to slowly collapse as did his whole demeanor. The light was gone in seconds from his eyes and his smile died slowly and he just stood there with his dreams crushed, his accomplishments in his drama class totally discounted. My father was telling him that if his participation in this drama class meant he would be coming home this late, then he’d better starting thinking about dropping that class. I just kept thinking, but why? what was so wrong about him coming home late (if you call 11:00 pm late for a high school senior!) Especially because of something so important to him and something that was school related to boot! I was sad for myself too as I observed and listened, I gave up all hope of ever being able to do anything with my own friends.

After that night I don’t remember him mentioning his girlfriend again and then I remember that they broke up. I don’t know how long they went steady or how or why they ended it, but in my mind I made up a possible reason. I felt that perhaps they broke up soon after that night. I thought that perhaps she did not want to date a boy who could not go out like other boys, who could not take her on dates like other boys, who felt guilty doing anything like other boys. I may be wrong, but that’s what I have thought all these years. So now, years later, here he is again with his first girlfriend now in his life once again, but this time they are adults. This time there is no abusive father keeping him from seeing her. The one thing that was standing in his way was his marriage and his sons, but he has made his decision to leave them and start with his now partner where they left off so many years ago. Is he right or is he wrong in doing this? I am not in any position to judge that, and neither should anyone else for that matter, except for his wife and kids, but I can only speak for myself. All I know is that life is too short and I, for one, will be damned if I live it according to what other people think is right for me.

I have told him I will not turn my back on him as so many family members have done simply for making the decision to leave his wife. We have also talked about all the old hurts from the past and I have told them that all those hurt feelings are in the past. Like I have stated before in previous posts, his life choices are his own to make and I can not say he is right or that he is wrong. All I know is that he has met me half way, he read the letter I wrote him years ago in which I told him how I felt in the past due to his treatment of me and my son. He never once flat out denied any of the things I mentioned in the letter. He didn’t react in anger. He didn’t retaliate in another way. And his attitude and behavior toward me changed for the positive after that letter. The only thing he did say was that he did not really remember doing all those things and that if in any way he had hurt me or my son, he was truly sorry. I think this is the closet he could come at that time to acknowledging his actions and behaviors, and that was enough for me. At one point I did declare him an outcast in my life. At least to those close to me, I never said anything to him about it. I just decided to have nothing to do with him. And now with each conversation, I think I understand him a little better, and most importantly, I think he understands me a little better too.

Yesterday (10/01/08) my heart felt like bursting with love for all my siblings. I pictured them all in my mind, one by one, and my eyes filled with tears for all of us.....for having to have lived the life we lived with our parents. I tried to feel their individual pain and suffering and I loved them and held them tight in my heart. Then I pictured my parents........and I felt their pain as well. Except for my father’s actions toward my young nephew, which I can not fully understand enough to totally forgive, I know they did do the best they could with what they knew. How ironic that mom tried so hard all her life to get us to embrace the Catholic religion as zealously as she has, yet I just wish she would put into practice some of the most important beliefs of her religion, which are forgiveness and not to stand in judgement of others. It saddens me that she uses her religion to her own benefit only, just like so many people. Oh, well, that is her decision and she is entitled to it, but then so are we, my brother and I, entitled to our own choices in our own lives.

A Little Bit of Housecleaning

A little over three weeks ago on a Saturday morning while I was doing some housecleaning I finally decided to call mom as my eldest sister had requested. I noticed again that my heart was not starting to race wildly, nor my breathing to become more and more rapid because this sort of physical reaction would happen in the past whenever I needed to confront an issue with someone. This reaction would start the second the thought would come to my head; but this time I simply put the cleaning rag aside, washed my hands and dried them, picked up the phone and began dealing mom’s number. She was on the phone by the 3rd ring. I said Hello and she asked how I was doing. I said fine. Then I told her I had called for a specific reason which was that I wanted her to know very clearly, and to understand, very clearly that no one is influencing me in any way, that no one is telling what to do, that my decision to stay away from her and some of the other family members is mine alone. She was quiet and did not say a word. I went on to tell her that the reason I had decided to stop calling her was because of her response to my statement, during our last converstation, about how I would have handled the situation regarding the family get-togethers. Again, silence on her end. I told her that I love her and I love my sisters but from a far. I said that when I was in Washington and I had made my decision to return to CA, I knew I had to set boundaries and that things had to change in my interactions with family, but that I had no idea of this outcome. I told her how happy and content I had been in Washington and at this point is when she said, "I know, I know you were so happy there. I saw it for myself." And amazingly she was so sincere in her comment, I could tell from her tone of voice. I said, "Yes, and the reason I believe I was so happy was precisely because I was so far away from the family, from all the negative energy that has always existed in our family". She was quiet again. I went on to say, "When I returned I immediately felt the difference in how I felt back in Washington and how I felt when I was around family again". I said to her that I just do not want to continue with all the head games and all the negative communication patterns we have learned. And I said in a pleading tone of voice to please understand that "by this I am not "suviendome el cuello". This basically means that I am not lifting my head up in the air with a better-than-thou attitude. In fact, I said, "Mom, I am not saying I am better than you or my sisters. I am not better than anyone. I just don’t want to be the way I was any more. I am tried of it. We are adults now, we don’t have to behave the way we used to when we were young and did not know any better. And, Mom, you know that the incident with M was not all that big of a deal, not as big of a deal as she made it out to be. You have to admit that". And again, surprisingly, she said, "No, it wasn’t".

I went on to say, "But M will never admit that and you know why? And this is one thing I need to say, Mom, and please understand that I mean no disrespect by this......I learned something so important from both you and dad, but unfortunately I did not learn it because it was something you modeled, but rather the opposite. I watched all the family arguments, fights, the unfair treatment by both you and dad, but never once did I see you nor dad admit when you were wrong. Neither one of you have ever been able to admit to the people you wronged that you did wrong. I didn’t want to be like that, so I learned very early on how important it is to be able to admit when I am wrong. And M and R, as much as I love him (he is the eldest of my brothers) both learned this so well from you. Neither one of them have ever been able to admit when they are wrong and that is so sad".

Through all this she was quiet, did not say a word. I went on, "I have always had the fame in the family of being "la corajuda and "la rencorosa". Yes, I was angry a lot but why? Because of all the bad treatment and the abuse. I was reacting normally to abnormal circumstances, and yet being judged "la corajuda" for it. And if I really were "rencorosa" would I even be talking to J right now? You know how much dislike there was between him and I, but with the letter I wrote him a while back, I released a lot of those negative feeling, and most importantly, with his response, he helped me to also let go of the anger I felt toward him. He never did actually say I’m sorry, but he did listen to me and indirectly at least he took responsibility for his actions and changed his attitude toward me and that is enough for me. That is all I need to let go of anger and negative feelings toward someone. A fter someone sincerely listens to me and at least meets me half way, all the anger and negativity dissipates".

At this point she said, "Well, all of you forgive me then. If I offended any of you, I ask forgiveness from you all."

I couldn't help but chuckle and said, " Oh, Mom. Do you actually hear your own words? How easy it is for someone to say, well, IF I hurt you in anyway, forgive me. Do you realize how insincere that sounds? Because to me that is the most insincere thing you can say, but then again, that’s one of the reasons why I need to just stay way. So I love you, Mom. I love my sisters. I send you all my prayers and I hope the best for all of you".

She said, "Yes, I love you too and I am praying for you too".

And that was how our conversation ended.

Then as I continued with my housecleaning, about a half hour later I realized I had forgotten to ask her for an important telephone number so I had no choice but to call her again. I told her I had forgotten to ask for the number and could she please give it to me. She said she did not have the cell phone number but that she would call the person and call me back. About 15 minutes later she called back with the cell phone number and then she starting going on and on about how this person’s mother had passed away, but that first her sister had passed away, then a month later, her mother, and wasn’t that just awful, and be sure to give her your condolences, and she is now so depressed...............she was talking like she usually does –talking really fast and really animated because relating stories about what is happening in others lives is what she loves to do. And I just could not listen to it so I interrupted her rambling and yes, OK, can I have the number? I wrote it down and said, "I gotta go now". When I hung up I was so amazed that she just does not get it..........either that or she chooses not to get it. I couldn't believe that had I let her, she would have just gone on and on and probably would have started in on another person’s story. I just shook my head and felt so convinced that what I am doing is the single most important and best thing I have done for myself in my life.

I later spoke to my son and shared what happened with him. It felt so good to feel his support and especially his total understanding. I am so proud of him because he, like me, is not afraid to admit when he is wrong. In fact, he sees it as a sig of strength to be able to admit and say to someone you were wrong. He is able to say he is sorry when he knows he hurt someone. I am so glad for him because I believe that being able to admit when one wrong is so important, not just for the person who was wronged, but especially for the person who did the wrong. It is a way of doing housecleaning for the soul and the spirit. It keeps us genuine.

And Yet Another Update

Things are just escalating in my family. They seem to be spiraling out of control and there are hurt and angry feelings everywhere............
That’s the line I was going to begin this post with about two weeks ago when the eldest of my sisters called to ask me a favor, but since then I have looked at things differently and even though things are escalating and there are now more hurt feelings than before, it is actually a good thing that has happened. The eldest of my sisters, "L", called me with a request. Her request was that if I could please call mom and tell her "L" had nothing to do with the fact that I am no longer speaking to her (mom). L was very upset, and understandably so, at mom because she was told that mom had said L and her daughter are "chismosas", that means gossipers in Spanish, but it sounds really bad in Spanish. Well, L called mom immediately and told her how she felt and that mom herself is the point where all these family problems stem from and that’s when mom told L she thinks she (L) had something to do with me no longer wanting to speak to mom.
When L told me I felt so bad for her, and I felt stunned at my mom’s actions. I still feel bad for L and stunned at mom’s actions, but at the same time I realized that L would not have confronted mom in the past if I had not confronted mom just recently. L said she is finally tired as well of all this childish behavior in the family and this name calling and this standing in judgement of other’s in the family for what they decide to do with their lives. L said she told mom that things need to stop and they need to stop with her as the head of the family. The reason why I say this is a good thing is because in the past L, along will all of us in the family, would have simply seethed with anger at whomever had said or done something to hurt us and we’d be very verbal about it–but only to other family members, never to the person in question. We would talk behind that particular person’s back, or even confront that person with anger, but never would we confront the person in a calm way and simply stated our feelings and set limits with each other. So I was like, wow, this is great!! This is new behavior coming from one of my older siblings, one who has been known in the past to never confront, but certainly talk angrily about the other person behind their back, like most of us learned to do our whole lives.
So L asked me to please not be upset when I talk with mom and not to get angry with her either, but just to simply let mom know that L had nothing to do with my decision to stay away from her (mom) right now.
I wish I could have much better things to write about rather than all of this, but this is what’s happening in my life right now and I have to deal with it. I have to acknowledge it, examine it, grieve over it, and then let it go. I mentioned in my previous post that I have not had any contact with my mom since the last conversation we had. That conversation took place in early July. She called to again complain about one of my brother’s leaving his wife over an other woman. I just did not want to hear it anymore. I truly understand that it is a huge deal for his family.......yes, they are hurt,......... yes, they are angry,.......... yes, they have every right to feel however they need to feel right now, ........and yes, I agree that he could have done it in a more dignified way for my sister in-law, but please,........enough is enough! My mom swears this will be the death of her and she wants all the family to turn our backs on him. She wants all of us to stop speaking to him, to hung up if he calls, to not accept him in our homes, to return–unopened–any letters he might send. Now, I don’t know about the rest of my family, but I refuse to do as she insists we do. Who am I to sit in judgement of him? I can not do that. The ironic thing is that this is the one brother whom I have liked the least. I have three brothers, he is the youngest of the three, but older than me by about 6 or 7 years. The oldest brother is the one I have always felt closer to and really like. I say like because, obviously I love him, but liking someone is more important to me than loving them. The next brother I really don’t know and I don’t really care for, not that he is a bad person, no, but I just don’t really even think of him at all.
The brother in question, the one mom is seething angry with over him leaving his wife and kids–grown men, by the way, that according to mom are being affected by this more now as adults than they would be if they were little kids. Yep, that’s right, you read it just fine.........mom says my three nephews ages 28, 26 and 23ish are being affected more now by their dad leaving than they would be if they were little kids. Her reasoning is that little kids don’t know what is going on so they don’t get affected, but these adult men are fully aware of what is going on so they are being affected so terribly. Come on, please!!!! And try as you might, you will not get her to see that little kids, because of the fact that they do not understand--and adults usually never sit down and explain to them–at their level–what is happening, will have far greater life-long effects over their parents separation/divorce than my nephews will have at this stage in their lives. I keep digressing, so I was saying this particular brother ("J") and I have never really had a good relationship in the past. In fact, I always felt that he disliked me strongly and I certainly disliked him–for so many reasons that would take up so much time to go into right now. He is obviously trying to establish some kind of relationship with me now and that is what’s important. So, the ironic thing is that despite the fact the there has never been any really close, loving feelings between us, I can not in any way wish him anything bad, nor can I get angry at him for what he has decided to do with his life, nor can I turn my back on him. He made a choice in his life, which has deeply hurt his family, I do understand and acknowledge that, but that is his choice to make and he will be the one who has to deal with the consequences.
OK, so all of this is leading to the conversation I had with mom in early July. So she started in on my brother again and I finally told her I did not want to listen to it anymore. I told her how I feel about his situation and she did not like that at all. Then somehow we got on the subject of me not being invited to parties and all of that other stuff. I told her how I would have handled it–that I would have said to both parties that although I acknowledged the fact that they are having issues, I invite them both to my party. My mom’s response to that was, and this hurt me so much coming from her, "Well, if everyone in the world thought the way you think, wouldn’t it be such a wonderful world! If we all had your beautiful thoughts, we would all be so happy, wouldn’t we? But we just don’t have such wonderful thoughts like you."
My heart sank when I heard her say that and I just took a deep breath and very gently told her, "Ay, ‘Ama, I can’t do this anymore, not with you too. I’m gonna hang up now. " And I did just that–I press the End button on my cell phone and started crying. I cried and cried for a long time.
When my friend A got home I told him what happened and the look of surprised disbelief mixed with sadness on his face confirmed that what mom has said to me was not very nice. I say this because as always when these sort of things happened in the past with my family, I always questioned and doubted my feelings and emotions. I always felt like I shouldn’t react the way I react. I thought....maybe it’s me, maybe I shouldn’t take it like this, maybe I shouldn’t be crying and getting my feelings all hurt. Granted, I do believe in what Eleanore Roosevelt said, something like...that no one can make us feel less than without our consent....., but I think that applies to very evolved people and I know for sure I am not there, at least not yet. So since then I have not had the desire to speak to mom. I know she thinks I hate her and am so angry with her, but I am really not. I can’t hate her, not anymore–that was when I was so much younger and so unwilling to let go of the anger I felt toward her because there was nothing to replace it with and I felt entitled to it. Now I have a lot to replace it with. I have the love of my son–and his forgiveness-- and my love for him, my granddaughter, I have my dear A and his partner R–my wonderful roommates! I have my cousin E, my two older sisters who right now are able to let me be me, I have a number of very good friends that validate my feelings and care as much about me as I care about them, and I have my three babies—Mikey, Chulita and Natasha–my two little dogs and my cat. They fill my life with so much love, happiness, and laughter–pets are so amazing! I could not even imagine my life without them. So no, I don’t feel anything toward mom right now but extreme sadness because it is so true what my eldest sister L said a few weeks ago–that close to the end of her life, mom would rather make points with her daughters in-law than with her daughters. There is still time, she is still here and I hope that she might come around before she leaves this earth. I would feel so much better if she left this world with peace in her heart and acceptance of who each of her children are and not be angry with us for being human.

Taking a Stand

A few days ago I had the most unbelievable conversation with one of my sisters. I mean, truly unbelievable. I walked away dumbfounded and wondering if what I had just experienced had really happened.

Since my last posting, I have only kept in touch with two of my eldest sisters. They are both in their early 60's. Unfortunately, I have not even kept in touch with my mother, not after our last converstation early last month (more on this in a later post). After that posting I decided to stick to my conviction of just staying away from certain members of my family for my own spiritual and emotional well being. It wasn't as difficult nor as painful as I had thought it might be. One of my sisters, two years younger than I am, is my hairdresser, and unfortanately she is also one of the ones I need to keep my distance from, but I had an appointment with her this past Saturday. I had decided to keep going to her for my hair, but only for that. I had also decided to just talk to her about what was going on in my life but not mention anything about the family---unless she brought it up. Well, she did--she asked if I was going to attend a birthday party for one of my nieces who just turned 25. I had received an invitation in the mail about a week prior. The party was going to be held at this particular sister's house. I'll just use her first initial "A". So "A" asked me if I was going and I simply said no, in a manner that made it sound like it was nothing of importance. She said as she moved her head slightly from side to side, "You're missing out." I said on what? She said, "On a lot." Like what I said. "On family", she said as she stress the importance of family. I said, "Oh, please, family? What family?" From there started the most strange conversation I have ever had with her. I began by stating that I had not wanted to bring up the subject but since she had brought it up, I had some things to say. I began by pointing out the instances in which I had not been invited to family get-togethers, one of which had been by her. She immediately said she had not intended not to invite me and she insisted her intention had not been to exclude me. After several back and forth statements by the two of us, each trying to make our points, I gave her the benefit of the doubt only because it was proving to get pointless to continue on that one incident. We went from one small part of the whole issue to another. But it was so weird how everything I said, she seemed to totally misunderstand or take the wrong way. For instance when I stated that I needed to especially stay away from "M" (you might remember "M" from my last post), she said that in that case when would the two of us ever get together and talk--in other words, to make peace. I very simply told her that I had no desire to talk with "M" and she said this.......oh, this is strange.........she said,"Oh, so you're going to hate her from now on then?" My mouth just about hung all the way down to my feet! It is such a strange feeling inside my whole body when someone does this to me, and believe me this has happened my whole life with my family (and maybe a very few times with individuals outside of my family--and you had better believe I no longer associate with those individuals!) It feels like a phenomona when a statment or sentiment I express is totally misconstude like that. I could feel my eyes widen in such surprise as I said to her,

Me: Who is saying anything about hating her??!!

A: So you don't hate her?!

Me: No, I don't hate her!!

A: So you love her then?

Me: Yes, of course I love her, she's my sister!!

A: How can you love her when you want nothing to do with her?!! That's not possible!!

Me (again with a look and tone of voice of exasperation) : What??!! Of course it's possible!! I love her as my sister just like I love you, but I can no longer be a part of all those games and craziness. It's very possible to say, Hey, I love you, but I can not be around you because of your behavior.

A: Part of what?

Me: (wondering why I have to repeat myself) The games. You know very well that I can not talk to her, you know she is not able to reason and carry on a normal conversation.

A: Well, we're still family, you know?

Me: I know we're family, so what does that mean to you?

A: That we're blood and who's there when you really need someone? Family!!

Me: ( with a slighty chuckle): Oh no, that's not true. ( I meant in our family)

A: Yes, only family is there for you in times of trouble.

Me: A, where'm I living right now?

A: (just looking at me but not answering)

Me: Where am I livig right now?

Me: Have you ever offered me a place to live? (You can say I am basically homeless right now, but more about that in a another post. It has to do with the housing situation all over the country)

A: Oh, you know I can't do that? (with a look and a tone of voice suggesting I should understand and not need any explaining)

Me: Why not?

A: Because of L (her husband), the two of you would kill each other!!

Me: That's not the point, the point is you have never even offered me any help.

A: I can't, and you know that!

Me: You know--and even if you did ask I would not agree, for the same reason you just stated--but as "family" you have never asked. What A & R (the two wonderful friends who have opened up their home to me by taking me in as a roommate) are doing and all they have done for me, not you nor anyone else in the family would do or has done for me.

The conversation continued along the same lines. And each time I said anything she would completely change my meaning. When I said that had I been her, when she threw the get-together I would have said to both parties who were having issues that I understood they were having issues, but that they were both invited to my house and which ever one did not want to come because they did not want to see the other, than that was up to each individual.

Her response was: Oh, I couldn't do that, I couldn't say that.......to you or to her!!!

Me: Why not?

A: Because, that's rude!

Me: What??!!! What is so rude about acknowledging an issue between two family members?

A: I can't say to you guys, "I don't care if you guys are mad at each other, but I'm inviting you both to my party.

Me: (once again just totally flabbergasted!) A, that's not what I said! I didn't say for you to say it that way! (and again I repeated what I would have said)

Further in the conversation, I mentioned that my son, Eric, had agreed with me when I told him how I would have handled the invitation. He agreed and said, that's the adult thing to do.

Her response: (in an offended tone of voice) Oh, I guess you're the only adult then. I guess the rest of us are not adults. You'r the only adult in the family!!

Me: (in a voice I would use to talk to a child) Oh, A, you see how you are changing things and how you're taking things. That's not what Eric nor I said.

A: Well, that's what you said. You just said that Eric said we're not au...., that he said that's what an adult would do, so I guess that means we're not adults, only you.

Me: No, you're not understanding. That's not what he said.

So it went on like this the whole time she was doing my hair. Luckily, we were the only ones in the shop at the time. When she finally finished. I paid her and she scheduled my next appointment for 3 weeks. We hugged good-bye and both agreed to disagree, but it was a bit ackward. One thing I will say in her favor was that she did apologize if she had hurt my feelings but that she had not done it intentionally. She said she did call everyone almost at the last minute and that she had planned on inviting me the whole time.

When I walked away I was feeling so weird, like I had been in a Twilight Zone somewhere, I could not believe how she had completely misunderstood everything I said. I was feeling like.....did that just really happen? I drove feeling this way the whole drive back home. Then at home I slowly started to realize that I felt so light, so clear, so good. I suddenly realized too that all that time my voice never once wavered nor rose, my breathing stayed normal and even my heart rate stayed normal too, and I did not cry. This has never, ever happened before. Every single time I have talked in a confrontive manner to anyone all these things happen in my body and I can't think clearly, I'm all emotions and I usually end up leaving in tears which eventually turn to sobs. But this time none of this happened. I felt like I had achieved something so major in my life. Part of me felt sad for my family, but part of me was so glad that I finally made my stand, without fear of what they would all say and think about me, without the shame I had always felt whenever there had been those kinds of situations in the past and in which I have just given in instead of sticking to my convictions and beliefs. I suddenly felt again that I was so different from them, but this time in a good way. I wondered if some of the reason why I felt different from them was because of all the different people in my life. I realized that I have so many friends in so many walks of life and in so many places. To me this means I get exposed to different prospectives, different ways of thinking, different ways of being. But most important, I get the validation I have never gotten from my own family and validation is so important to one's self-esteem & self-growth. Another reason I believe is because I am open to change and to learn. I am not afriad to admit when I am wrong because being wrong sometimes and admitting it, or acknowledging something negative about myself, does not mean I am weak, but rather that I am a strong person, unafraid of being human. I am on a new part of my journey now. I have taken that huge step to declare myself an individual who is willing to do what I need to do, no matter how difficult or painful, to learn, and especially to put into practice, new and better ways of dealing with life and its ups and downs.

Family Issues

Instinctively I knew, when I was still living in Washington and contemplating returning to California that one of the things I needed to deal with upon my return would be setting boundaries and speaking my truth with my family of origin, but I had no idea that all those old dysfunctional issues would start up so soon after my arrival and least of all that dealing with all of this would be this painful. It has been only a little over one month since my return and already I have had to deal with so many family issues. On the surface, all the things that have happened since my return seem so petty and yet they stem from so many years and so many layers of dysfunction, that they are really pretty major stuff for me, stuff that reaches way back and brings up old, old pain relating to feelings of being unloved, unwanted, alone, and so worthless . For instance, an issue came up with one of my older sisters that had actually started when I was still in WA, but it has escalated here and it has affected my relationships with some of my other family members. That’s part of the dysfunction in my family, if a disagreement starts with say two of us, other family members seem to unspokenly take sides and it is so frustrating to me. Why can’t all the rest of them just stay out of it and let each person involved in the issue resolve (Wow, that is a strange word in our family!), the disagreement, or at least let it be known to each person involved in the disagreement that they will not participate? Here is what happened and how it all started. Back in February I was talking on the phone with the eldest of my sisters, L, and telling her that I wanted to visit mom for Mother’s Day. L happened to that M, another sister—two yrs older then I am, might be taking mom to the casinos for Mother’s Day. So I called M to ask if she was really going to be taking mom to the casinos on Mother’s Day because if so then I would wait and visit her another time. Well, M immediately went into a very noticeably upset tirade about how unfair it was to mom for certain family members to plan a huge party for Mother’s Day and invite so many people including lots of the relatives from Mexico because most of those relatives ended up staying at mom’s and mom was expected to play hostess to them. Now, while I do understand where M was coming from, it still appeared to me to not be as big a deal as M was making it out to be because, after all, this was February and she was going on and on about an event that might take place in May. M was sounding pretty upset and so I said, “Wait, M, but what does that have to do with me? I simply want to know if you are going to be taking mom to the casinos or not on Mother’s Day so I can plan a trip to visit her.” M got even more upset and she raised her voice and kept saying “let’s just wait to see what mom wants us to do for her on Mother’s Day, it’s not fair to plan a huge party for her and push all these people on her and expect her to play hostess to them”. I tried to explain to M that I was not saying anything about a big party, I simply wanted to go visit mom for Mother’s Day. But there was no getting through to M, she was getting more and more upset. I finally said, in an exasperated voice, “Oh my God, M, you have not change!. You are still the same…. getting so upset and so mad for no reason”. Well, I guess that was the wrong thing to say to her at that moment because she became even more upset and started to almost sound hysterical. She started saying things that did not make sense. She said something about, ……” and this time I have witness” , which I do not understand at all because I didn’t say anything which would warrant the need for a witness on her behalf. All I could think of saying to her from then on was, “M, just calm down, calm down, it’s not good for you to get this upset……just breathe, breathe in and out. Here let’s do it together……..breathe in…..now breath out.” Over and over I kept saying that as she went on an on in a shrill, high voice. At one point she said, “yes, yes, I know, I am the world’s worst person, I know.” And after a while she finally hung up on me. I was driving while this “conversation” was taking place and when she hung up I drove in a sort of daze for a few seconds because I had no idea where all that came from. I really, honestly did not know at that time what caused her to react like that right from the start just because I asked about her plans for Mother’s Day with mom. I have since then figured out that she was actually upset at our oldest sister, L, because L is the one who has planned these big family reunions for about the last three years on Mother’s Day weekend and L was planning another one this year. Well, M was already anticipating all the relatives from Mexico staying at mom’s tiny two bedroom apartment. Now remember, this “conversation” took place in February and Mother’s Day was 3 months away so really, come on, there was no reason to get so bent out of shape in February over something that might take place in May!! And like I said earlier, I do agree that mom is now too old, and her apartment way too small, play hostess and accommodate all of the out of country relatives, but there is a simple solution to that, I think, right? To me that solution is to have a talk with L and explain concerns over mom’s age and health status, and her small apartment, and ask L to come up with alternative plans for the relatives’ stay here in CA. But M still does not know how to do that, all she knows is what she has known all her life, which is to get upset, insinuate things she wants people to know or think about rather than just say them. That’s what I meant when I told her she has not changed. But I guess the truth is very upsetting to some people…..to the point that they cannot accept it and become very angry at the person telling them the truth. Since all of this happened and since my return from WA, M is now telling other members of the family that I offended her so much by treating her like a child……Hello?, Excuse me?........wasn’t she acting like a child??!! But the most unbelievable thing to me is that she is also saying that I said she was the world’s worst person!!! Where this is coming from I have no idea, all I know is that I did not say those words. It is so sad that she obviously believes that about herself or else she would never have even said those words about herself. Well, all I can do is pray for her and that is exactly what I have been doing. I have been saying a prayer in Spanish that my sister L recommended and it does help me to say it every time M pops into my mind.

All of this has prompted some family members to not invite me to family get-togethers when M is invited. One family member did invite me to one gathering, but only after I made mention to mom that I had not been invited. This family member called within a half hour and invited me to the get-together which was scheduled to take place the following day. Now this family member is always very good about extending invitations with plenty of notice, so the fact that she had not invited me and finally did invite me the day before the event, and only after I had happened to mention that she had not invited me to mom, strongly implies to me that I was not going to be invited in the first place. OK, so I went and when M showed up, she did not come in to the house for at least 45 min. I could see her at the front steps from where I was sitting inside in the dining room. M would come right up to the front door and then suddenly turn around and go back and start talking with someone outside. This is not what she normally does when she arrives at get-togethers, she normally comes in and greets everyone with a hug, but not this time. Family members in the dining room kept asking about her, they finally had to go outside and greet her out there. When she finally did come in, I stood up from my seat at the table and look at her, but she never made eye contact with me. The dining room is very small and crowded. I was at the far end of the room and she was at the other end of the room close to the front door. There were so many other family members that the way to her was blocked and I would have had to maneuver my way to her through all the others present. I debated whether I should do just that, excuse myself and maneuver myself over to her and say something like…..”come, M, you’re not even going to greet me?” and at the same time extend out my arms with a smile and greet her, but that old fear held me back, I thought, “No, what if she says something negative right in front of everyone”. So instead I sat down again and we never acknowledged each other. After a while she and A, my younger sister—the one who had held the get-together left. A excused herself saying she would be right back, that she had to run an errand. Before leaving she turned to me and said, “Oh, you probably won’t be here by the time I get back, huh?” What? What was that about? What made her think I would not still be there when she returned? Now if that was not a hint, then what was? So I said, “No, I’m gonna be leaving in a few minutes”. And in less than a half an hour I did just that…I left. She planned another get-together soon after one, that time it was for one of my two niece’s birthday. That time she did invite me and with over a week’s notice….because M was not going to be attending. I did not go. Another time, my sister in-law held a get-together and did not invite me, even though she had opportunity to do so because we talked over the phone the day before the get-together. M went that time. So it is quite apparent to me that they invite me if M is not planning to attend and don’t invite me if M is planning to attend. Just like that, as if I have no feelings, as if I do not matter.

So you see, all of this sounds so petty and so very childish, yet it has stirred up all those old painful feelings of being totally worthless and unloved. Yet in a way, all this has been good because it has given me the opportunity to again deal with all that old pain. Healing from a painful childhood really is like peeling an onion……there are so many layers and each one brings with it more tears. I have allowed the tears to come knowing that their release is part my healing process. I have also come to the decision that I will stay away from my family for a while, until I can become stronger and not let their actions affect me as they have lately. I need to concentrate on my chosen family and all the people in my life who truly value me and who love me and accept me just as I am. And thank Heaven I have so many people in that circle, some are close and some are far away, but even the ones who are far away are so important to me, for they validate me and make me feel like the special person I am.