And Yet Another Update

Things are just escalating in my family. They seem to be spiraling out of control and there are hurt and angry feelings everywhere............
That’s the line I was going to begin this post with about two weeks ago when the eldest of my sisters called to ask me a favor, but since then I have looked at things differently and even though things are escalating and there are now more hurt feelings than before, it is actually a good thing that has happened. The eldest of my sisters, "L", called me with a request. Her request was that if I could please call mom and tell her "L" had nothing to do with the fact that I am no longer speaking to her (mom). L was very upset, and understandably so, at mom because she was told that mom had said L and her daughter are "chismosas", that means gossipers in Spanish, but it sounds really bad in Spanish. Well, L called mom immediately and told her how she felt and that mom herself is the point where all these family problems stem from and that’s when mom told L she thinks she (L) had something to do with me no longer wanting to speak to mom.
When L told me I felt so bad for her, and I felt stunned at my mom’s actions. I still feel bad for L and stunned at mom’s actions, but at the same time I realized that L would not have confronted mom in the past if I had not confronted mom just recently. L said she is finally tired as well of all this childish behavior in the family and this name calling and this standing in judgement of other’s in the family for what they decide to do with their lives. L said she told mom that things need to stop and they need to stop with her as the head of the family. The reason why I say this is a good thing is because in the past L, along will all of us in the family, would have simply seethed with anger at whomever had said or done something to hurt us and we’d be very verbal about it–but only to other family members, never to the person in question. We would talk behind that particular person’s back, or even confront that person with anger, but never would we confront the person in a calm way and simply stated our feelings and set limits with each other. So I was like, wow, this is great!! This is new behavior coming from one of my older siblings, one who has been known in the past to never confront, but certainly talk angrily about the other person behind their back, like most of us learned to do our whole lives.
So L asked me to please not be upset when I talk with mom and not to get angry with her either, but just to simply let mom know that L had nothing to do with my decision to stay away from her (mom) right now.
I wish I could have much better things to write about rather than all of this, but this is what’s happening in my life right now and I have to deal with it. I have to acknowledge it, examine it, grieve over it, and then let it go. I mentioned in my previous post that I have not had any contact with my mom since the last conversation we had. That conversation took place in early July. She called to again complain about one of my brother’s leaving his wife over an other woman. I just did not want to hear it anymore. I truly understand that it is a huge deal for his family.......yes, they are hurt,......... yes, they are angry,.......... yes, they have every right to feel however they need to feel right now, ........and yes, I agree that he could have done it in a more dignified way for my sister in-law, but please,........enough is enough! My mom swears this will be the death of her and she wants all the family to turn our backs on him. She wants all of us to stop speaking to him, to hung up if he calls, to not accept him in our homes, to return–unopened–any letters he might send. Now, I don’t know about the rest of my family, but I refuse to do as she insists we do. Who am I to sit in judgement of him? I can not do that. The ironic thing is that this is the one brother whom I have liked the least. I have three brothers, he is the youngest of the three, but older than me by about 6 or 7 years. The oldest brother is the one I have always felt closer to and really like. I say like because, obviously I love him, but liking someone is more important to me than loving them. The next brother I really don’t know and I don’t really care for, not that he is a bad person, no, but I just don’t really even think of him at all.
The brother in question, the one mom is seething angry with over him leaving his wife and kids–grown men, by the way, that according to mom are being affected by this more now as adults than they would be if they were little kids. Yep, that’s right, you read it just fine.........mom says my three nephews ages 28, 26 and 23ish are being affected more now by their dad leaving than they would be if they were little kids. Her reasoning is that little kids don’t know what is going on so they don’t get affected, but these adult men are fully aware of what is going on so they are being affected so terribly. Come on, please!!!! And try as you might, you will not get her to see that little kids, because of the fact that they do not understand--and adults usually never sit down and explain to them–at their level–what is happening, will have far greater life-long effects over their parents separation/divorce than my nephews will have at this stage in their lives. I keep digressing, so I was saying this particular brother ("J") and I have never really had a good relationship in the past. In fact, I always felt that he disliked me strongly and I certainly disliked him–for so many reasons that would take up so much time to go into right now. He is obviously trying to establish some kind of relationship with me now and that is what’s important. So, the ironic thing is that despite the fact the there has never been any really close, loving feelings between us, I can not in any way wish him anything bad, nor can I get angry at him for what he has decided to do with his life, nor can I turn my back on him. He made a choice in his life, which has deeply hurt his family, I do understand and acknowledge that, but that is his choice to make and he will be the one who has to deal with the consequences.
OK, so all of this is leading to the conversation I had with mom in early July. So she started in on my brother again and I finally told her I did not want to listen to it anymore. I told her how I feel about his situation and she did not like that at all. Then somehow we got on the subject of me not being invited to parties and all of that other stuff. I told her how I would have handled it–that I would have said to both parties that although I acknowledged the fact that they are having issues, I invite them both to my party. My mom’s response to that was, and this hurt me so much coming from her, "Well, if everyone in the world thought the way you think, wouldn’t it be such a wonderful world! If we all had your beautiful thoughts, we would all be so happy, wouldn’t we? But we just don’t have such wonderful thoughts like you."
My heart sank when I heard her say that and I just took a deep breath and very gently told her, "Ay, ‘Ama, I can’t do this anymore, not with you too. I’m gonna hang up now. " And I did just that–I press the End button on my cell phone and started crying. I cried and cried for a long time.
When my friend A got home I told him what happened and the look of surprised disbelief mixed with sadness on his face confirmed that what mom has said to me was not very nice. I say this because as always when these sort of things happened in the past with my family, I always questioned and doubted my feelings and emotions. I always felt like I shouldn’t react the way I react. I thought....maybe it’s me, maybe I shouldn’t take it like this, maybe I shouldn’t be crying and getting my feelings all hurt. Granted, I do believe in what Eleanore Roosevelt said, something like...that no one can make us feel less than without our consent....., but I think that applies to very evolved people and I know for sure I am not there, at least not yet. So since then I have not had the desire to speak to mom. I know she thinks I hate her and am so angry with her, but I am really not. I can’t hate her, not anymore–that was when I was so much younger and so unwilling to let go of the anger I felt toward her because there was nothing to replace it with and I felt entitled to it. Now I have a lot to replace it with. I have the love of my son–and his forgiveness-- and my love for him, my granddaughter, I have my dear A and his partner R–my wonderful roommates! I have my cousin E, my two older sisters who right now are able to let me be me, I have a number of very good friends that validate my feelings and care as much about me as I care about them, and I have my three babies—Mikey, Chulita and Natasha–my two little dogs and my cat. They fill my life with so much love, happiness, and laughter–pets are so amazing! I could not even imagine my life without them. So no, I don’t feel anything toward mom right now but extreme sadness because it is so true what my eldest sister L said a few weeks ago–that close to the end of her life, mom would rather make points with her daughters in-law than with her daughters. There is still time, she is still here and I hope that she might come around before she leaves this earth. I would feel so much better if she left this world with peace in her heart and acceptance of who each of her children are and not be angry with us for being human.