Family Issues

Instinctively I knew, when I was still living in Washington and contemplating returning to California that one of the things I needed to deal with upon my return would be setting boundaries and speaking my truth with my family of origin, but I had no idea that all those old dysfunctional issues would start up so soon after my arrival and least of all that dealing with all of this would be this painful. It has been only a little over one month since my return and already I have had to deal with so many family issues. On the surface, all the things that have happened since my return seem so petty and yet they stem from so many years and so many layers of dysfunction, that they are really pretty major stuff for me, stuff that reaches way back and brings up old, old pain relating to feelings of being unloved, unwanted, alone, and so worthless . For instance, an issue came up with one of my older sisters that had actually started when I was still in WA, but it has escalated here and it has affected my relationships with some of my other family members. That’s part of the dysfunction in my family, if a disagreement starts with say two of us, other family members seem to unspokenly take sides and it is so frustrating to me. Why can’t all the rest of them just stay out of it and let each person involved in the issue resolve (Wow, that is a strange word in our family!), the disagreement, or at least let it be known to each person involved in the disagreement that they will not participate? Here is what happened and how it all started. Back in February I was talking on the phone with the eldest of my sisters, L, and telling her that I wanted to visit mom for Mother’s Day. L happened to that M, another sister—two yrs older then I am, might be taking mom to the casinos for Mother’s Day. So I called M to ask if she was really going to be taking mom to the casinos on Mother’s Day because if so then I would wait and visit her another time. Well, M immediately went into a very noticeably upset tirade about how unfair it was to mom for certain family members to plan a huge party for Mother’s Day and invite so many people including lots of the relatives from Mexico because most of those relatives ended up staying at mom’s and mom was expected to play hostess to them. Now, while I do understand where M was coming from, it still appeared to me to not be as big a deal as M was making it out to be because, after all, this was February and she was going on and on about an event that might take place in May. M was sounding pretty upset and so I said, “Wait, M, but what does that have to do with me? I simply want to know if you are going to be taking mom to the casinos or not on Mother’s Day so I can plan a trip to visit her.” M got even more upset and she raised her voice and kept saying “let’s just wait to see what mom wants us to do for her on Mother’s Day, it’s not fair to plan a huge party for her and push all these people on her and expect her to play hostess to them”. I tried to explain to M that I was not saying anything about a big party, I simply wanted to go visit mom for Mother’s Day. But there was no getting through to M, she was getting more and more upset. I finally said, in an exasperated voice, “Oh my God, M, you have not change!. You are still the same…. getting so upset and so mad for no reason”. Well, I guess that was the wrong thing to say to her at that moment because she became even more upset and started to almost sound hysterical. She started saying things that did not make sense. She said something about, ……” and this time I have witness” , which I do not understand at all because I didn’t say anything which would warrant the need for a witness on her behalf. All I could think of saying to her from then on was, “M, just calm down, calm down, it’s not good for you to get this upset……just breathe, breathe in and out. Here let’s do it together……..breathe in…..now breath out.” Over and over I kept saying that as she went on an on in a shrill, high voice. At one point she said, “yes, yes, I know, I am the world’s worst person, I know.” And after a while she finally hung up on me. I was driving while this “conversation” was taking place and when she hung up I drove in a sort of daze for a few seconds because I had no idea where all that came from. I really, honestly did not know at that time what caused her to react like that right from the start just because I asked about her plans for Mother’s Day with mom. I have since then figured out that she was actually upset at our oldest sister, L, because L is the one who has planned these big family reunions for about the last three years on Mother’s Day weekend and L was planning another one this year. Well, M was already anticipating all the relatives from Mexico staying at mom’s tiny two bedroom apartment. Now remember, this “conversation” took place in February and Mother’s Day was 3 months away so really, come on, there was no reason to get so bent out of shape in February over something that might take place in May!! And like I said earlier, I do agree that mom is now too old, and her apartment way too small, play hostess and accommodate all of the out of country relatives, but there is a simple solution to that, I think, right? To me that solution is to have a talk with L and explain concerns over mom’s age and health status, and her small apartment, and ask L to come up with alternative plans for the relatives’ stay here in CA. But M still does not know how to do that, all she knows is what she has known all her life, which is to get upset, insinuate things she wants people to know or think about rather than just say them. That’s what I meant when I told her she has not changed. But I guess the truth is very upsetting to some people…..to the point that they cannot accept it and become very angry at the person telling them the truth. Since all of this happened and since my return from WA, M is now telling other members of the family that I offended her so much by treating her like a child……Hello?, Excuse me?........wasn’t she acting like a child??!! But the most unbelievable thing to me is that she is also saying that I said she was the world’s worst person!!! Where this is coming from I have no idea, all I know is that I did not say those words. It is so sad that she obviously believes that about herself or else she would never have even said those words about herself. Well, all I can do is pray for her and that is exactly what I have been doing. I have been saying a prayer in Spanish that my sister L recommended and it does help me to say it every time M pops into my mind.

All of this has prompted some family members to not invite me to family get-togethers when M is invited. One family member did invite me to one gathering, but only after I made mention to mom that I had not been invited. This family member called within a half hour and invited me to the get-together which was scheduled to take place the following day. Now this family member is always very good about extending invitations with plenty of notice, so the fact that she had not invited me and finally did invite me the day before the event, and only after I had happened to mention that she had not invited me to mom, strongly implies to me that I was not going to be invited in the first place. OK, so I went and when M showed up, she did not come in to the house for at least 45 min. I could see her at the front steps from where I was sitting inside in the dining room. M would come right up to the front door and then suddenly turn around and go back and start talking with someone outside. This is not what she normally does when she arrives at get-togethers, she normally comes in and greets everyone with a hug, but not this time. Family members in the dining room kept asking about her, they finally had to go outside and greet her out there. When she finally did come in, I stood up from my seat at the table and look at her, but she never made eye contact with me. The dining room is very small and crowded. I was at the far end of the room and she was at the other end of the room close to the front door. There were so many other family members that the way to her was blocked and I would have had to maneuver my way to her through all the others present. I debated whether I should do just that, excuse myself and maneuver myself over to her and say something like…..”come, M, you’re not even going to greet me?” and at the same time extend out my arms with a smile and greet her, but that old fear held me back, I thought, “No, what if she says something negative right in front of everyone”. So instead I sat down again and we never acknowledged each other. After a while she and A, my younger sister—the one who had held the get-together left. A excused herself saying she would be right back, that she had to run an errand. Before leaving she turned to me and said, “Oh, you probably won’t be here by the time I get back, huh?” What? What was that about? What made her think I would not still be there when she returned? Now if that was not a hint, then what was? So I said, “No, I’m gonna be leaving in a few minutes”. And in less than a half an hour I did just that…I left. She planned another get-together soon after one, that time it was for one of my two niece’s birthday. That time she did invite me and with over a week’s notice….because M was not going to be attending. I did not go. Another time, my sister in-law held a get-together and did not invite me, even though she had opportunity to do so because we talked over the phone the day before the get-together. M went that time. So it is quite apparent to me that they invite me if M is not planning to attend and don’t invite me if M is planning to attend. Just like that, as if I have no feelings, as if I do not matter.

So you see, all of this sounds so petty and so very childish, yet it has stirred up all those old painful feelings of being totally worthless and unloved. Yet in a way, all this has been good because it has given me the opportunity to again deal with all that old pain. Healing from a painful childhood really is like peeling an onion……there are so many layers and each one brings with it more tears. I have allowed the tears to come knowing that their release is part my healing process. I have also come to the decision that I will stay away from my family for a while, until I can become stronger and not let their actions affect me as they have lately. I need to concentrate on my chosen family and all the people in my life who truly value me and who love me and accept me just as I am. And thank Heaven I have so many people in that circle, some are close and some are far away, but even the ones who are far away are so important to me, for they validate me and make me feel like the special person I am.