A New Strength

I was looking back at when I first started this blog and reading through all the postings and I realized yet again how much it helped me to write about what was happening in my life at the time. I noticed that I stopped writing right around the time when my friend A and I had a huge, painful disagreement. I remember wanting so much to write about it but being afraid of what he might think, being afraid of him getting angry with me because he would not agree with what I said. This sort of fear has held me back so much throughout my life. All my life I have been governed by the overpowering fear of “what will they think of me? what will they say?” and of course, “they’ll get mad at me if I say that”. I am 51 years old and still operating out of that fear. I am so sick of it! I don’t want to continue my life like that. I want so much to change that. I picture it in my mind……how it would feel to be able to speak my truth. How liberating that must be!!!

Another reason I stopped writing is because I thought it was not right to expose myself to so many people, to open myself up like that to everyone who might venture into my blog. But in the last few weeks I have been revisiting old blogs and visiting new ones for the first time and I realize what a wonderful and powerful tool this Internet blogging is and how impactful it is to read other people’s blogs. It is so liberating to read about other people’s experiences and their words resonate within me. I feel validated, understood. I recently read one post titled “Letter to a girl I used to know”, this was such a powerful and insightful letter. Every word resonated in every fiber of my being. It was as is the letter was written with me in mind. Then I read the comments…..one was from a 51 yr old woman. In her comments to the writer she said, “It takes great and infinite courage. It takes strength. You are all of those things. Don’t stop sharing, for all of us who are afraid.” After reading this woman’s comments, that’s when I realized how much of an impact certain blogs have on the people who read them. Reading that one letter, and especially that one comment, gave me the courage I needed to restart my blog (by the way, it also gave me and the little girl who still resides within me the opportunity to cry together in the most healing way) and to not be afraid of writing about my feelings, thoughts, experiences…….in short, about my reality. So I will begin posting again, as much as I need and as often as I need and to hell with this fear that has held me back all these years!!!!!