Friendship

I'm questioning myself tonight about what kind of a friend I am. Do I expect too much from people, especially friends? Sometimes I think I do--and when they don't treat me the way I treat them, or are not genuine with me the way I am with them, then I feel so disallusioned by them that I pull back from the friendship. One friend told me recently I want to change people, but I disagree. I don't feel that by telling someone that I feel hurt by what they said or how they said, or by what they did, means I am trying to change them. If they feel they need to change in some way so as to not say again what they said or the way they say it, or not do what they did, in order to remain in relationship with me, then that is their choice to change or not change. I feel I simply expect too much from people and I expect them to treat me the way I treat them and of course that does not always happen because we are all individuals.

One thing that I know I am responsible for and yet don't do is talk about how I feel at the time I feel it. For instance, I usually keep the hurt to myself until I hurt enough and then I eventually say why I feel hurt. And of course many people do not like to be told how their actions or words might have been the cause of hurt feelings. Now, of course I know that people's words or action do not cause the hurt feelings, I choose to let the words or actions affect me that way--but hey, I'm only human. And yet they are only human too so why can't I be as forgiving and understanding of them? I have always been the type of person who owns up to what I do or say, even if it is embarrassing to have to admit or own up to it--whatever "it" may be. But my experience with most people, not all, but most, is that they try to cover up their words or actions by manipulating the situation with words that are not sincere. If someone, no matter how much I felt hurt by them, only owns up to their part and acknowledges my feelings, then I am totally fine and I let the issue go, but I can't let it go if they are not genuine with me, so I simply pull back from the relationship, close as it may have been.

Maybe I am just at a point in my life where I am no longer willing, or able--if I want to stay true to myself, to hold on to friends simply because of the longevity of the relationship. I want real and genuine relationships in my life. I am no longer willing to settle for less. And if that means I have to let go of some relationships--be they with men or woman friends--then so be it.