To My Inner Child

I hadn't been able to put into words what I had been feeling all weekend until I read a friend's blog this morning. Thank you, JanePoe, for your amazing insight.

A few days ago someone very special to me acted so out of character and in such a hurtful way. I was just as surprised by my reaction as I was by the person's behavior. First I felt anger, but as always I didn't handle the anger well. When angry I either become mean and totally irrational or I am reduced to tears---this time I was reduced to tears. Or rather, I fled in tears and holed up in my house for the rest of the weekend. I knew instinctively that the tears were coming from that deeply wounded place in my soul, where all the past hurts and humiliations by my father were--I was surprised to find out--still so raw.

In the past when this would happen, I would become so angry at myself and would do such a good job of emotionally beating myself up for being so "weak", but this time I allowed my feelings to just be. I cried like I had not cried in such a long time. I let myself feel the present hurt over this perosn's behavior toward me; but most importantly, I allowed myself to feel the pain over all the unfair treatment and down right meanness I had ever received at the hands of my father. I let the tears flow and the wrenching sobs as well. I cried like I had never been allowed to cry back then. It was so cleansing, as well as so exhausting. I must have slept most of the next day. And the tears have continued off and on since then, so have the feelings, but I decided to dedicate this whole weekend to just letting me feel my feelings, to honor them, acknowledge them, to letting them have the full rein they were denied so many years ago.

So without being conscious of it, I have actually been letting that little girl who has been so emotionally and spiritually damaged finally release some of those imprisioned emotions which have in themselves caused her further harm.

As to the person whose behavior was the catalyst for all of this, that person called me yesterday and apologized and acknowledged my feelings, which helped so much to mend our so precious relationship.

The following poem is for my precious inner child and it is in her language:

Mi nina querida
Eres tan hermosa
Y te quiero tanto.
No meresiste lo que paso
Y siento mucho tu dolor
Pero ahora me tienes a mi
Ahora no estas sola
Y nunca estaras.
Cuando necesites llorar,
llora.
Cuando necesites amparo,
Aqui estoy.
Mi ninita dulce, te amo.