More on Freedom

I've been thinking all day about last night's post. What I wrote about my father. I hadn't thought about that for years, or him for that matter. Well, maybe not years for him, but certainly months and months will go by and I don't even remember that he is still here, in this world--most likely still abusing another family. Those words he said to me had such an impact. They shaped the kind of woman I would be. There's a certain strength in that because I don't let anyone abuse me, but mostly the impact has been negative. I remember my reaction--inner, of course because it wasn't safe to let my reaction show. I felt such rage. I remember vowing to him in my mind that I would let no one treat me that way, that if anything I would be the one doing the hitting. And that has been the cause of most of the problems in my relationships--or course, how would anyone want to stick around being abused. I remember thinking many times in my last relationship that if I were him I would leave me in a minute. And it's not an excuse, and it certainly doesn't make it any better, but I only get abusive when I feel hurt, lied to, or if I preceive being made of fool of in any way. The abuse is mainly verbal and emotional, but in the past it was physical. I hate being that way. I heard Oprah today on her show talking to a young woman, telling her what Oprah strongly believes in, "When you know better, you do better." Well, I know better now so why am I still abusive in relationships? Why do I feel that the only way I will get heard is by showing rage? A few weeks ago my best friend said he sees a change in me, that I don't seem as angry at the world as before. That really threw me for a loop because I guess I always knew in the back of my head that I am a very angry person, but when he put it into words I felt jolted into awareness and it was not a comfortable feeling. I want to let go of that anger. I keep reminding myself I am not there anymore, that I am not under my father's control anymore. I said in last night's post that I am proud of myself for proving him wrong. Yeah, I certainly am not living the oppressed and abused life he wanted for me, but I am still under his control if I let his words still affect me to the point that now I hurt people with my anger--like he did. That's why I am always afraid to get into a relationship, because I know that's when my anger rises to the surface for any little, or big, offence from the other person--but at the same time I want a relationship. I just don't know how to be in a healthy one. I don't know why I am writing about this, but I feel that I need to because I don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want to leave it in the back of my head and not talk about it. I want to expose it and not feel ashamed about it. My anger is part of me--it served me well and helped me cope for so many years when that was the only way I could survive--but it is time to lay it to rest, not completely because anger is necessary--healthy anger, that is--that I need to keep and know when and how to make it useful in my life. But that old anger born on that night when my father said those words to me--that is the anger that needs to be released--it is no longer needed. Then, and only then, will I be completely free.